The One. Part 4

Before that many eyes of my peers, friends and family... I will admit this one thing I never told a soul...




He was the one.

I'm not just talking about he was another nigga that I was all giddy for.
No. There is a great difference between this guy and many others and will be forever...
he held my soul in the palm of his hands and I was afraid...
I saw that forever that I cast away long ago in his eyes...
I found heaven within his smiles and dimpled cheeks
His skin was soft and always smelled good
And his kiss would melt away any pain I held

And I was fucking scared....

We met randomly to..
I was in yet again another "in the mean time" relationship and didn't break up with the other guy too fast... because i wanted to make sure if I'm giving something up... it better be worth it...

our first date...

drinks at one bar that was closing for the night...
so we got in a cab and went to this nice small place
(even though only 19 they still let a chick in that bitch!)

but anyways...
we sat down on this comfy couch and laughed...

music played reggae tunes that all could love and the Jah Cure sung that song.. that damn song.. we dance slow and close and were looking like something straight outta a movie... you know.. the whole slow momo dance looking in the eyes.. interlocking fingers kissing on the dance floor and the sexual and spiritual energy swirling around us... man...we were connecting on a level I never felt or haven't felt since my first true love and in that moment I knew it

This nigga is the one...

Candice.
RUN.

Not run into his arms but run away because lord knows i was still unsure aboiut me being worthy of such a man to be around me...

bossy...direct... caring...loving... he was human...
but he was damn there God in my eyes....


Ever kissed someone on the lips and shed a tear at the same time just because your soul moaned his name softly and your heart swelled to the size of a basketball and the joy felt from within was going to bust and the only way you could get an ounce of this uncontrollable feeling was to shed one single tear...

I've been there... in his arms... having my soul dug out and replaced with erected injections to only murmur those three words first only knowing him so far as 2 months

I love you.

To only have the act of love put on pause...
and a reply that will haunt me forever....

I love you too,

(People I know I'm foul because I still didn't cut other dude off but after that.. you know what it is and what was done)

We spent nights together waking to sunrises sitting side by side on the roof smiling. We had convos until FOREVER... and we treated each other with respect...

(he was yet again.. an older dude)

*sigh*

I walked beside a king feeling like a queen

and we
were
happy...

that magic word...
happy

no fuck happy I was in fucking heaven until I allowed myself to think this was nothing but a dream and that should float my ass back down to reality because shit
this nigga couldn't possibly wanna be with me... what was my value to him?

sometimes it would be hard to fucking breathe if I didn't get to hear his voice for the night.. .shit I was totally and completely in love with The One...



to be in his arms was to die and be reborn again every night
to exist i that space between before and after
to really live within the moment

until...

I ran...

fear took over thinking I'm too young to get married and have kids and this not going to work and omg.. he not serious.. but yet he is....but then again why me...

I ran and played my fucking self lovely.. hurting him

to then look him in the eyes the last time we made love.. and die inside...
and then die all over again when this nigga said he was getting married to a chick that looked like me...
A BITCH THAT LOOKED LIKE ME!!!!!!!!


*sigh*

I cried for nights...hating myself...

hating that no only did I disrupt my internal happiness.. but fucked up everything around me.


I let go of any form of happiness
in the second that my foolish ass started acting out and fucking with other dudes thinking..

he doing it too...

not knowing....

the reply I love was NOT just a reply.. but him really loving me and wanting me to be that girl with the rock and the kids to hold down the fort...
to think I would be a married woman prob working on my second child right now within those warm arms..

I know that never gain will we be but there went soul mate number one

and it was my fault
this time
I abandoned everything that was right just to be trapped in a life where everything looks so wrong.

there were and are others after him....
but would there have been if I was not so hasty to throw in the towel....

if only I knew what I knew today...

he was the one that I was letting slip away...