Forward To Loving (No More Lusting)

I got my mojo back. :)



Lights are off and the mood set
Jill faintly playing in the background
Our favorite tunes
The moment has finally arrived for you and I to
Enjoy each others intimate company for the first time
So I undress
S
L
O
W
L
Y
While you watch the candlelight glow
Off my skin
Yes dear I'm ready to
Become an us
Beyond the lust
Be your lady
No one else standing here but me and you
So tell me what would you like for me to do


The aroma from your skin casting a spell
On my heart for I'm at your every beckon call
So do as you please with my body laid before you yearning
Just for your touch
Your eyes sliding down my curvy silhouette
Ignites me more to please you

You place a single finger over my lips
As love flushed over my soul
Instructing me to relax
For pleasing me
Will please you more than anything on Earth


And like a real lover you choose to take the time
Examine
And inhale my physical features before
You ravish my love down under like a beast on a feast
My eyes are dreamy like as you proceed over me
Leaning in closer
The sweet feel of your breath has been felt for the first time


As I lay back and close my eyes
Ready to fall into this world with you
My lips part by eager fingers
And the first kiss has been made
I
E
X
H
A
L
E

Because you have taken my breath away for the first time
And I know
It will not be the last

...

Within My Deepest Thoughts

Not a poem but a thought I wanted to share.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
We stand up for what we believe in
Yet like toy soldiers we get
Hurt
Burned
Left on this battle field of love to just drag our slumped bodies
Across to a safe spot to gain a second of thought
Before being attacked again by
Feeling, emotions, drama, haters
Man we surely go through it all as women
Stand here on the front lines like always
I'm fighting... but sometimes I wonder
What the fuck for?
If I'm not fighting for myself then why for another in the heat of the night
Tears and pain felt for too many nights
Too many problems randomly popping up
And I have no way to control them
Looked around many bodies are littered across the vast field of doom
With labels of how they fell to their demise
Love , lust,depression
You name it and a woman has died for it
And like the Queens we are
We stand next to our Kings tall
Head strong because without us there will be no them
But what happens when he disappears in the middle of the quest for happiness
We are then forced to:
Struggle with children created by abandoned sperm donors
Forced to act out of our character and do things God never intended us to do
Work two jobs and balance a check book
Play Mother and Father and support ourselves emotionally
Just to survive alone in this world
And I cannot wake another day with this heavy hearted bullshit
I wanna rise
Rise above all the bullshit and drama that we face everyday
Ladies I'm feeling like Mary right now
Just broken again and wounded
But yet even in my darkest hour I wanna rise
Even in my slow demise I want you to rise with me
So let's walk together and then maybe
For a change
We can overcome the war.

Laters.

Madness *Roundabout Smiley*

Madness.
This weekend I learned more about some people than I thought I ever would.

You ever stop talking to someone like...ina friendly flirty.." this could be something" type way and feel like you breaking up with someone? I mean my gosh...I felt like that. It's was like weird. But I think everything is fine now...I guess the shock of me pulling away so fast is what got him. He will be a okay.....I hope and pray. I still got love for him doe. Suddenly around the time I'm pulling away from someone guess who pops up and just steals me to the side. Yups...him. lol. I mean.....after all this time he is like all about me. WTF? lol. This shit wasn't planned but homie thought I was pulling away for the next cat. it was more like I was pulling away because I'm not sure what to think of him. I had a funny feeling he was trying to hard to just please me. Like force me to think everything is on the up and up. Well why would you have to if everything is? Why force something that should already be natural? Every heard of being to perfect? Seems too good to be true? Yeah I now know what people mean by that. It's not like i didn't like him as a person I did alot...but its all to fast for me..slow down...stop pushing...man alot of yall know how I am. I told him and gave him clues but....he dun wan hear it...thinking I'm being icey and ish. I'm left to wonder why men are after me and what are they after. Well...I think that for all except one.


He just...wanted a friend you know...he just got through a hard relationship and was a poet. So me and X both knew him from when he joined. That was like 8 months ago. Now 8 months later something...is brewing between us. I'm not sure what it is but it's cool because no walls are up.
See I found out something about me....if I think it's game...walls jump up high. But if a man come at me with no agenda...walls stay down. Me and him never thought about each other like this and now suddenly its like....o wowzers. He called me these cute lil pet names today and i damn there fell out my chair hit the floor and died. Who would have seen this wild shit? I'm finding out so much more about him it's crazy. I guess slow and steady wins the race. He didn't come at me with the omg you so pretty ma why you single...he just came to me broken and his words just had me like damn..this dude is in some pain. Friend for like a min...even through his whole battle with his..."chick". I was hurt cuz I didn't know till he told me but as a friend I'm like well shit that don't change shit. I guess I must have made the right move because months later they parted ways and now he's checking for me and I'm checking for him. Gosh. What the fuck is going on? Am I feeling someone? Could this be after months of staying to myself that someone...indeed snuck the fuck in without me looking and got me in a big ole hug? I'm not sure what to say guys...I think I have a crush.
*blankface* man this is just wild for me.

I Woke Up Today And Thought About....

I woke up today...just to notice..you were no longer there.
Damn.
I mean to just know that you are no where around anymore kinda got me in a slump. Kinda like...messed up and shit. I mean remember the days we would wake up with each other and toss a pillow or two. Blah. Let me stop thinking about you.


So on the the next person to think about. Why did we drift apart YET AGAIN? lol. It's as if we have a 4 months life span. We talk we giggle we get back to where we were last time...and then...we you go handle your life biz and I'm left behind to just wonder yet again....why? It's one of the great wonders in my life. You know I'm talking about ya ass too shawty.


Then he...came to mind..him.
The one who took my heart and shattered it to bits.
Son of a fucking bitch I fucking hate you so much ...so why do I want you near?
I mean I've NEVER had it that bad. Like I hate this dude...I really do...but I fucking love him so much I just want him to hold me and drift of to sleep in his arms. But he can't do that.
Why? Well lets just say another bitch is there in that spot I want. Nawl let me not talk about this anymore.


Then you came to mind and I was lost as to why? Nigga I dunno you like that. I wondered why would all of the past words be so hard to say to you. Why was ALL OF THAT needed? hmmmm.. I dunno how o call this one so i'll just sit back and chill on that note.
And after these thoughts escaped my head.....
I went to go brush my teeth.

Censor Me Not

You see.....I have this..way about me.
I'm a lil rude at times...well more than normal.
I tend to not give a fuck for all the right reasons.
But its seems as if when people do hear what I have to say.....
ATTACK!
It's like people hang onto my every word...well every others...and never see the whole point to something I said.
But when I get defensive and make a good point and counter attack the attacks on my views....
It becomes a general discussion.
GET THE MOTHERFUCKING GUNS ON THAT SON!
Like..people...(and this goes out to everyone that has read this and got mad and all this other ish with me not just on person cause lord knows you are not the only one who came at me like that) get a grip.
Please I mean damn if I struck a personally nerve say so.
Just tell me you didn't like it and I will attempt to make sure you understand...I mean no harm.
I'm just speaking my mind and hell if the beef isn't with me.
Don't bring it my way.
K?
Thanks boo.

If Only You Would Take A Second

Well I see you have made it here. Grand of you to join my thoughts.
Well let me get on with the show.
So my current views on myself have changed a bit since I was in high school.
I always thought of myself as some weird lost child with a fucked soul.
I now think..I'm a weird lost woman with a fucked soul but a good outlook on life.
See...me I'm a complex. And yes EVERYONE SAYS THAT SHIT ABOUT THEMSELVES ONLINE TO LOOK COOL AND SHIT....
but.....
I mean I'm the type of girl who would one day be head over heels in love with you and next...well you are lucky to get a hello out of me. I'm off and on like a light switch. I don't love my mother...I think she was only good for one thing in life and thats having me. My father...well as of late he hasn't proved a thing to me other than he looks out for self and "always" knows best for self.
I really can't blame them for their actions anymore due to the fact that the are cut from the same cloth. I guess I'm just that fucked child that got to caught in the middle.
Then there is my sis.
I love her but she doesn't know that. We fuss, we fight and go months without talking. Reason..we are kinda the same person...just she's more cold than me. She's determined to not let the actions of our parents fuck her over like me. I'm just glad that I was there to block some of the blows to her young mind. Sorry I wasn't there for all though. I know it hurt her but shit look at her now. In school far away and gaining a life for herself. In about 5 years she will have it all.

What about me?
Blah. I don't even know whats to come for me. I can only take it a day at a time.
My life is just...crazy.
No one knows anything because I don't like to talk about it. I've wrapped myself in myself so much I don't talk until I'm about to break down yet again.
And this time I don't have weed to turn to. Haunted by my past so much that at might I stay awake and read online articles.
Enough of this chit chatter.
It's depressing.

You Are Beautiful (So Beautiful)

Written to uplift any man with a broken heart.

A write for him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Beautiful
Damn have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror
Notice that the man that stands in it is something to behold
Something like fine wine getting better and better with time
Physically and mentally growing into something beyond normal comprehension
Dear has anyone ever told you that you were beautiful?

I'm mean I know I'm just another lady that has came your way
Seems like the conversations has me on another level thought swimming
Moments like this Hallmark don't even have a card for
Trying to tell you that you are worth more than the softest gold piece
My diamond in the rough
But the hurt in your heart shows across that lovely face
And I just want you to know that no matter you may think
You are indeed
Beautiful

See the stride of your walk is simply amazing
Gracing me with your presence and the scent of your skin causes me to just
Inhale your royal features because my dear you are a King in these eyes
And that's the best way I can describe your chocolate skin tone
And perfect smiles that flash across the most lovely set of lips I've ever seen
Baby...my dear...do you know that you are beautiful?

Not only body but in mind the vast knowledge you have obtained
Set me on fire, schooling me everyday
Giving me thoughts to hold until the next time we converse
Stimulating me the way that no other could
In my dreams you creep and you voice help me dream
Of a day when you will share your royal land with me
Because my dear next to you I feel like a peasant
Not worthy to even look into your eyes
You are just that beautiful to me

And no matter how much I write and try to show you
How much you would mean to me if given just a chance
The words of a million men and woman couldn't even express
The way that you just simply move me my Ebony king
And down and out you are now but please fear nothing for now on
Because you are beautiful to me
You are beautiful to me.

I Want A Hood Nigga

Nice guys. They are nice.
And they are moody also....a lil soft for my taste. I need an edge.
Why?
Think about it...I'm that chick that will walk behind a bitch and say she got a fat ass.
Same chick that will grab her pussy and say suck me dick.
What a nice dude doing with a chick like me? Can't handle me being soft and shit.
I'm not asking for no Ike Turner ass nigga. I'm asking for a nigga that can look good in some Timbs and a white tee...then can look good in a suit.
DAMN!
Tat's on his body, swagger in his step, a brain filled with correct info and a plan ( a working and good plan).
Yeah smoke a blunt every now and then....good dick to go along with it.
I'm going back to my hood niggas. lol.
I had about 2 so I guess I should hurry up and find him huh?
Yeah...a hood nigga.
Like I wanna walk up the block and bitches hate cuz my nigga so gully and I'm riding that dick.
I don't need some fine ass thug...just a nigga with that edge I drool over.
Nice guys step aside.

Hold up. After a convo let me make this clear.
I'm not asking for a thug. A thug is a mush brained asshole who don't know they ass from they elbow.
Nit what I'm looking for.
Just a man with a good edge tahts good in bed.
Outro.

Updates.

So me and he that was a we....
Done.
Feel out of touch and things changed.
I mean right now I'm at a time and point in life where I don't care anymore. Like I couldn't see myself getting all goo goo eyed over a dude because its not something that I want. There are people that are trying to get to know me. Trying to figure me out. Damn I'm so used to being alone that I just tend to wanna be alone. I want love. I want all the good things that it could bring..but why should I waste time with it? It's just not worth it in the end.

Meanwhile i have dumped myself into a sea of my own words. It's pretty cool how much i'm learning about myself through my own writes. Pushing limits and trying to really get better as a poet. Life...is still life for me people.