I miss you. Something wild.
My lips could never utter such a thing due to pride and such but this is whats best for us. This time... I wanna make sure I'm going into something with my heart and my mind and not just wanting to be happy. I wanna be happy and become happier... and slowly I'm thinking about things and way to make myself happy. This process is a long one but I think I'll make it.. if you are even wiling to sit by and wait.
The fear though... that another may roll up on me outta the clear blue sky does scare me a bit. What if doing this will enable another to get close to me? But why would I want another close to me seeing as how every other dude failed? why grant someone the chance at... nothing? I'm not planning on it but hey... shit tend to always happen wild when it's me for some reason.
Damn.. this is just a bit much a confession though.. I'm looking like a punk ass right about now.. Not liking that one bit there buddy.
I was thinking about my past relationships today...
and what were some of the things that made me unhappy. What I came to was this common flaw in the men that I choose: honesty.
Like i know that I could be honesty with them but not fully honest just as much as they are not honest with me. I love when a man can say "Hey baby this is m and who I am but you gonna still love me for it" I love when a man can speak on his own flaws...because I tend to do that same without a care.
Maybe I'm looking for my match and never found it... wait.. I did.... but I blew it anyways.. so search again I will another day.
But still.. and the end of the day I actually miss you.
And thats all I have to say right about now.
Edit: and I don't like that I've actually written some pretty poetry these past days and you ignore them. it bothers me because you know I speak better on paper!
Fucktard.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Allow Me To Speak On It.
Being in this weird limbo for the past 2 months allowed me to think about alot of things... and also hear alot of things. These are my views on certain isues:
Long distance relationships will NEVER work if forced.
You can dream and wish but it just won't make no sense to you at the end of the day when you are unsatisfied.
Alway take a second look at whatever is in front of you. It may not seem to be the greatest thing in the world but shit at the end of the day... you can rely on its appearance to never change unlike others (apply this to many aspects in life)
Women are twisted creatures of some nasty ass habits. For every "I wish a bitch would" we commit an act of "Girl you wouldn't believe". Backwards in nature.. we are indeed.
Cheating seems to have a whole new meaning these days. I think cheating is defined when a bond that has been mended by a physical, mental and spiritual connection... vibing with another along those very same lines would be.... cheating. You do that math on that one.
Yet again I will say this...
you really don't matter to anyone if you don't matter to self first. You have to matter to self and be of great importance to self for you to even be a blip on the radar for anyone else. Being matter to someone else before being matter to self still leaves your self worth at 0 when that person leaves you high and dry. Why allow another to set your life value? Prove to self that you are indeed worthy of great and beautiful things and the rest will follow.
Yo lemonade in the summer time is like sex. Werd fucking life.
Having meaningless sex is just that in its own.. meaningless sex.
Raising a child today is one of the hardest things to do correctly with the negative influences of mass media targeting youth. I really been thinking... maybe i shouldn't have kids. If my little girl wake up on day and tell me she wanna be like SuperHead... I'll have to be put under the jail.
Why do people always think fat people are ashamed of who they are? Like really? O aside from the asshole who cry about being fat I've been a big girl all my life! I'm very much in love with cookies but I hate twinkes (cream filling taste nasty)and guess what? Thats ok with me! There are plenty of men who love my roundness (trust when I mean I know a few) --*knows Cat is laughing while reading this*-- but for some reason people think that every fat chick is insecure about that shit.. .its wild to me. Why when someone can't find a think else wrong with me.. they wanna talk about my weight? Like i just woke up not knowing I was fat or something? I dunno can someone answer that one for me please :)
I have other things to think and type about but these are my main concerns to voice.
Comments are always welcomed.
Long distance relationships will NEVER work if forced.
You can dream and wish but it just won't make no sense to you at the end of the day when you are unsatisfied.
Alway take a second look at whatever is in front of you. It may not seem to be the greatest thing in the world but shit at the end of the day... you can rely on its appearance to never change unlike others (apply this to many aspects in life)
Women are twisted creatures of some nasty ass habits. For every "I wish a bitch would" we commit an act of "Girl you wouldn't believe". Backwards in nature.. we are indeed.
Cheating seems to have a whole new meaning these days. I think cheating is defined when a bond that has been mended by a physical, mental and spiritual connection... vibing with another along those very same lines would be.... cheating. You do that math on that one.
Yet again I will say this...
you really don't matter to anyone if you don't matter to self first. You have to matter to self and be of great importance to self for you to even be a blip on the radar for anyone else. Being matter to someone else before being matter to self still leaves your self worth at 0 when that person leaves you high and dry. Why allow another to set your life value? Prove to self that you are indeed worthy of great and beautiful things and the rest will follow.
Yo lemonade in the summer time is like sex. Werd fucking life.
Having meaningless sex is just that in its own.. meaningless sex.
Raising a child today is one of the hardest things to do correctly with the negative influences of mass media targeting youth. I really been thinking... maybe i shouldn't have kids. If my little girl wake up on day and tell me she wanna be like SuperHead... I'll have to be put under the jail.
Why do people always think fat people are ashamed of who they are? Like really? O aside from the asshole who cry about being fat I've been a big girl all my life! I'm very much in love with cookies but I hate twinkes (cream filling taste nasty)and guess what? Thats ok with me! There are plenty of men who love my roundness (trust when I mean I know a few) --*knows Cat is laughing while reading this*-- but for some reason people think that every fat chick is insecure about that shit.. .its wild to me. Why when someone can't find a think else wrong with me.. they wanna talk about my weight? Like i just woke up not knowing I was fat or something? I dunno can someone answer that one for me please :)
I have other things to think and type about but these are my main concerns to voice.
Comments are always welcomed.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Charity: Water.
At the top... my intro says I will confess a small amount of things that are right.
Well these are one of those moments where you get to knwo of the good heart that I can actually have.
================
================
================
I remember when Jay went to Africa and did the water for life thing.
I thought about that recently and was like...
When I get the time to do something about that... I will..
so I signed up for this site where for every hit that you get you gain a point and the points add up to gain more money towards the cause that you choose.
There was a charity there called Charity:water.
This man who's name is Scott Harrison travels to places where clean drinking water is scarce and has raised money to build pumps so they can have clean filtered drinking water. How he suddenly started all this.. well his story can be found here
http://www.charitywater.org/about/scotts_story.htm
Go read it its really inspirational.
Now to many this might not be a big thing or a cause they would have picked but these are the main reasons why:
Clean water is important.
Why?
Well for one.. you could actually live many more days without food than clean drinkable water being that your body is made up of i think 60 percent of water. These kids wash in parasitic waters and normally get infected by water borne diseases we would NEVER come across due to the fact that we wouldn't have to walk about 5 miles to a watering hole where animals even drink from.
Yeah it just got real for you huh?
Like dead ass think about waking up and having to walk miles just to get water to take a bath.... oh and the catch... your body is only able to carry a gallon at a time due to th fact that you are already dehydrated.
Imagine how may trips you would have to make just to wash properly.
And thats only for you...
think about the fact that you have about 4 children that need the very same amount of water you walked for....
crazy huh?
Yeah when i think about it its really wild.
So with that said I will purchase a 20 dollar bottle of REGULAR water from charity:water in hopes that all my money goes to building a pump somewhere in a foreign land and feel a little better knowing a family will be able to cook,bathe, and drink.... clean water...
because in the end.. they deserve much better.
Wanna help with the cause?
Join... pick the charity:water cause and get the referring!
Or choose something that you will feel passionate about and help out.
Here goes the link.
http://www.socialvibe.com/?r=162859
The direct link to the actual charity that I'm helping online.
Is this link.
http://www.charitywater.org/
Either way...
thank you for taking the time to read this...
now back to my wild antics :)
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
The One. Part 4
Before that many eyes of my peers, friends and family... I will admit this one thing I never told a soul...
He was the one.
I'm not just talking about he was another nigga that I was all giddy for.
No. There is a great difference between this guy and many others and will be forever...
he held my soul in the palm of his hands and I was afraid...
I saw that forever that I cast away long ago in his eyes...
I found heaven within his smiles and dimpled cheeks
His skin was soft and always smelled good
And his kiss would melt away any pain I held
And I was fucking scared....
We met randomly to..
I was in yet again another "in the mean time" relationship and didn't break up with the other guy too fast... because i wanted to make sure if I'm giving something up... it better be worth it...
our first date...
drinks at one bar that was closing for the night...
so we got in a cab and went to this nice small place
(even though only 19 they still let a chick in that bitch!)
but anyways...
we sat down on this comfy couch and laughed...
music played reggae tunes that all could love and the Jah Cure sung that song.. that damn song.. we dance slow and close and were looking like something straight outta a movie... you know.. the whole slow momo dance looking in the eyes.. interlocking fingers kissing on the dance floor and the sexual and spiritual energy swirling around us... man...we were connecting on a level I never felt or haven't felt since my first true love and in that moment I knew it
This nigga is the one...
Candice.
RUN.
Not run into his arms but run away because lord knows i was still unsure aboiut me being worthy of such a man to be around me...
bossy...direct... caring...loving... he was human...
but he was damn there God in my eyes....
Ever kissed someone on the lips and shed a tear at the same time just because your soul moaned his name softly and your heart swelled to the size of a basketball and the joy felt from within was going to bust and the only way you could get an ounce of this uncontrollable feeling was to shed one single tear...
I've been there... in his arms... having my soul dug out and replaced with erected injections to only murmur those three words first only knowing him so far as 2 months
I love you.
To only have the act of love put on pause...
and a reply that will haunt me forever....
I love you too,
(People I know I'm foul because I still didn't cut other dude off but after that.. you know what it is and what was done)
We spent nights together waking to sunrises sitting side by side on the roof smiling. We had convos until FOREVER... and we treated each other with respect...
(he was yet again.. an older dude)
*sigh*
I walked beside a king feeling like a queen
and we
were
happy...
that magic word...
happy
no fuck happy I was in fucking heaven until I allowed myself to think this was nothing but a dream and that should float my ass back down to reality because shit
this nigga couldn't possibly wanna be with me... what was my value to him?
sometimes it would be hard to fucking breathe if I didn't get to hear his voice for the night.. .shit I was totally and completely in love with The One...
to be in his arms was to die and be reborn again every night
to exist i that space between before and after
to really live within the moment
until...
I ran...
fear took over thinking I'm too young to get married and have kids and this not going to work and omg.. he not serious.. but yet he is....but then again why me...
I ran and played my fucking self lovely.. hurting him
to then look him in the eyes the last time we made love.. and die inside...
and then die all over again when this nigga said he was getting married to a chick that looked like me...
A BITCH THAT LOOKED LIKE ME!!!!!!!!
*sigh*
I cried for nights...hating myself...
hating that no only did I disrupt my internal happiness.. but fucked up everything around me.
I let go of any form of happiness
in the second that my foolish ass started acting out and fucking with other dudes thinking..
he doing it too...
not knowing....
the reply I love was NOT just a reply.. but him really loving me and wanting me to be that girl with the rock and the kids to hold down the fort...
to think I would be a married woman prob working on my second child right now within those warm arms..
I know that never gain will we be but there went soul mate number one
and it was my fault
this time
I abandoned everything that was right just to be trapped in a life where everything looks so wrong.
there were and are others after him....
but would there have been if I was not so hasty to throw in the towel....
if only I knew what I knew today...
he was the one that I was letting slip away...
He was the one.
I'm not just talking about he was another nigga that I was all giddy for.
No. There is a great difference between this guy and many others and will be forever...
he held my soul in the palm of his hands and I was afraid...
I saw that forever that I cast away long ago in his eyes...
I found heaven within his smiles and dimpled cheeks
His skin was soft and always smelled good
And his kiss would melt away any pain I held
And I was fucking scared....
We met randomly to..
I was in yet again another "in the mean time" relationship and didn't break up with the other guy too fast... because i wanted to make sure if I'm giving something up... it better be worth it...
our first date...
drinks at one bar that was closing for the night...
so we got in a cab and went to this nice small place
(even though only 19 they still let a chick in that bitch!)
but anyways...
we sat down on this comfy couch and laughed...
music played reggae tunes that all could love and the Jah Cure sung that song.. that damn song.. we dance slow and close and were looking like something straight outta a movie... you know.. the whole slow momo dance looking in the eyes.. interlocking fingers kissing on the dance floor and the sexual and spiritual energy swirling around us... man...we were connecting on a level I never felt or haven't felt since my first true love and in that moment I knew it
This nigga is the one...
Candice.
RUN.
Not run into his arms but run away because lord knows i was still unsure aboiut me being worthy of such a man to be around me...
bossy...direct... caring...loving... he was human...
but he was damn there God in my eyes....
Ever kissed someone on the lips and shed a tear at the same time just because your soul moaned his name softly and your heart swelled to the size of a basketball and the joy felt from within was going to bust and the only way you could get an ounce of this uncontrollable feeling was to shed one single tear...
I've been there... in his arms... having my soul dug out and replaced with erected injections to only murmur those three words first only knowing him so far as 2 months
I love you.
To only have the act of love put on pause...
and a reply that will haunt me forever....
I love you too,
(People I know I'm foul because I still didn't cut other dude off but after that.. you know what it is and what was done)
We spent nights together waking to sunrises sitting side by side on the roof smiling. We had convos until FOREVER... and we treated each other with respect...
(he was yet again.. an older dude)
*sigh*
I walked beside a king feeling like a queen
and we
were
happy...
that magic word...
happy
no fuck happy I was in fucking heaven until I allowed myself to think this was nothing but a dream and that should float my ass back down to reality because shit
this nigga couldn't possibly wanna be with me... what was my value to him?
sometimes it would be hard to fucking breathe if I didn't get to hear his voice for the night.. .shit I was totally and completely in love with The One...
to be in his arms was to die and be reborn again every night
to exist i that space between before and after
to really live within the moment
until...
I ran...
fear took over thinking I'm too young to get married and have kids and this not going to work and omg.. he not serious.. but yet he is....but then again why me...
I ran and played my fucking self lovely.. hurting him
to then look him in the eyes the last time we made love.. and die inside...
and then die all over again when this nigga said he was getting married to a chick that looked like me...
A BITCH THAT LOOKED LIKE ME!!!!!!!!
*sigh*
I cried for nights...hating myself...
hating that no only did I disrupt my internal happiness.. but fucked up everything around me.
I let go of any form of happiness
in the second that my foolish ass started acting out and fucking with other dudes thinking..
he doing it too...
not knowing....
the reply I love was NOT just a reply.. but him really loving me and wanting me to be that girl with the rock and the kids to hold down the fort...
to think I would be a married woman prob working on my second child right now within those warm arms..
I know that never gain will we be but there went soul mate number one
and it was my fault
this time
I abandoned everything that was right just to be trapped in a life where everything looks so wrong.
there were and are others after him....
but would there have been if I was not so hasty to throw in the towel....
if only I knew what I knew today...
he was the one that I was letting slip away...
HE. Part 3
He came to me RANDOM AS FUCK!
I was with another in a failing relationship and said... fuck it!
He was something wild... sex.drugs.money.power.
Highschool chicks love some thugs...
but he was not a thug... he was a man after cash to support his little girl when biz got slow moving REAL bricks.. so why not just move other types of bricks and stay in the biz of construction...
Well... he was something new. I would be on a train or in a cab or in his truck going to a night out on the town.. laughing joking.. loving life.. and it was then I noticed...
I was happy again....
Happy?
Me?
With this wild child?
WTF!
lol.
Yeah with HE I was happy.... and his little girl was cute too....
Movies. Dinner. Good sex.
And even though he didn't write poetry.. he would listen to every poem I wrote till we both fell asleep on the phone...or until I fell asleep in his arms...
but....
biz started picking up and runs were made...
calls became few due to his line of work...
leaving me with money in my hand.. and a head full of worries that I may never see him again...
3 months go by...
winter pass...
spring bringing me blooms and I still wonder where in the FUCK did he go and why have he not really been around? what did I do? Why?
and when I gave up all hope....
a familiar hello and come down stairs met my eardrums causing me to drop everything I was doing and run for my life into that arms of a man I've been mising for so long....
comfort...
then rage because he had left me...
(see yet again.. the abandonment thing pops up)
we kiss we make up and I wake up to his smiles...
happy again...
Baby.. I'm gone for month
Ok
Hey baby I'll be gone for 2 weeks
Ok
I'll be gone..
was all I would hear
and I was young.. lots of lust and never really though about that fact that this was a GROWN MAN and grown man that took interest in me but had a major flaw...
he loved the game more than he loved me because he loved the money and the smile he could put on his baby girl face.
Being a chick who can't settle for less
(since less was never given from start)
The next time he took a trip down south...
I made sure I was nowhere o be found again...
leaving those happy moments in the past.. to be unhappy for another 2 years...
until..
well
I met
The One.
I was with another in a failing relationship and said... fuck it!
He was something wild... sex.drugs.money.power.
Highschool chicks love some thugs...
but he was not a thug... he was a man after cash to support his little girl when biz got slow moving REAL bricks.. so why not just move other types of bricks and stay in the biz of construction...
Well... he was something new. I would be on a train or in a cab or in his truck going to a night out on the town.. laughing joking.. loving life.. and it was then I noticed...
I was happy again....
Happy?
Me?
With this wild child?
WTF!
lol.
Yeah with HE I was happy.... and his little girl was cute too....
Movies. Dinner. Good sex.
And even though he didn't write poetry.. he would listen to every poem I wrote till we both fell asleep on the phone...or until I fell asleep in his arms...
but....
biz started picking up and runs were made...
calls became few due to his line of work...
leaving me with money in my hand.. and a head full of worries that I may never see him again...
3 months go by...
winter pass...
spring bringing me blooms and I still wonder where in the FUCK did he go and why have he not really been around? what did I do? Why?
and when I gave up all hope....
a familiar hello and come down stairs met my eardrums causing me to drop everything I was doing and run for my life into that arms of a man I've been mising for so long....
comfort...
then rage because he had left me...
(see yet again.. the abandonment thing pops up)
we kiss we make up and I wake up to his smiles...
happy again...
Baby.. I'm gone for month
Ok
Hey baby I'll be gone for 2 weeks
Ok
I'll be gone..
was all I would hear
and I was young.. lots of lust and never really though about that fact that this was a GROWN MAN and grown man that took interest in me but had a major flaw...
he loved the game more than he loved me because he loved the money and the smile he could put on his baby girl face.
Being a chick who can't settle for less
(since less was never given from start)
The next time he took a trip down south...
I made sure I was nowhere o be found again...
leaving those happy moments in the past.. to be unhappy for another 2 years...
until..
well
I met
The One.
HIM. Part 2
He was...he was everything & anything I ever thought a man could be.
I was in love. Head over heels I couldn't stop thinking about him every thing I wrote was about him. I couldn't even hum a tune without it being some silly cute love song and I was ....
happy....
Didn't care about shit else because it was me and my baby against the world and if you didn't give a shit about us.. well.. we couldn't care less.We were like bread and butter... right & left shoes... shit nobody could tell us NOTHING. Envious stares would be the norm for us and we... well we laughed because we were just that fucking ill.... and I loved him...gave him everything about me willingly and he returned the same respects...
we were happy...
no arguments just chilling letting life take us for the ride hand in hand just not giving a fuck about the world...
we had each other...
forever ...
(this is where my trust in the word forever came to a crashing halt)
he was taken away from me...
fast...
and never to return to me...
hell if I saw him today I probably wouldn't even know its him...
maybe...
but its crazy how he told me...
"one day you are going to tell your kids about me dear... but I'm hoping while you telling them... they are our kids and I'm in the next room sleeping or... watching porn"
now I tell that story to a blog with a heavy heart
years later.. still in pain...
crazy...
that nigga right there was that nigga... the ultimate dude...
and when he had to leave me due to family issues...
I became unhappy....
now.. since then there has only been 2 other men to come CLOSE to that guy...
to even reach that status in my eyes that they are indeed one of the one's for me
(I believe there are about 7 soul mates per person on earth in a life time)
but could it be because I'm still holding onto that memory that I'm unhappy?
Comparing them to him is UNFAIR. ... yet I still do it...
I can't help to.. he was just that nigga that dude that.. man...
everything....
I write poetry today BECAUSE of that nigga...
*sigh*
he set that bar so high...
and still no one could knock it on down.....
but HE came close....
(to be continued)
I was in love. Head over heels I couldn't stop thinking about him every thing I wrote was about him. I couldn't even hum a tune without it being some silly cute love song and I was ....
happy....
Didn't care about shit else because it was me and my baby against the world and if you didn't give a shit about us.. well.. we couldn't care less.We were like bread and butter... right & left shoes... shit nobody could tell us NOTHING. Envious stares would be the norm for us and we... well we laughed because we were just that fucking ill.... and I loved him...gave him everything about me willingly and he returned the same respects...
we were happy...
no arguments just chilling letting life take us for the ride hand in hand just not giving a fuck about the world...
we had each other...
forever ...
(this is where my trust in the word forever came to a crashing halt)
he was taken away from me...
fast...
and never to return to me...
hell if I saw him today I probably wouldn't even know its him...
maybe...
but its crazy how he told me...
"one day you are going to tell your kids about me dear... but I'm hoping while you telling them... they are our kids and I'm in the next room sleeping or... watching porn"
now I tell that story to a blog with a heavy heart
years later.. still in pain...
crazy...
that nigga right there was that nigga... the ultimate dude...
and when he had to leave me due to family issues...
I became unhappy....
now.. since then there has only been 2 other men to come CLOSE to that guy...
to even reach that status in my eyes that they are indeed one of the one's for me
(I believe there are about 7 soul mates per person on earth in a life time)
but could it be because I'm still holding onto that memory that I'm unhappy?
Comparing them to him is UNFAIR. ... yet I still do it...
I can't help to.. he was just that nigga that dude that.. man...
everything....
I write poetry today BECAUSE of that nigga...
*sigh*
he set that bar so high...
and still no one could knock it on down.....
but HE came close....
(to be continued)
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
If Only It Were That Easy.... (The Begining Of A Breakdown)
Hey yall :)
Now I know that there are many who are wondering where in the FUCK did I go but I had reasons to not be around.. damn...chill out.
Ok so I moved to ENY and now living in a area that blows ass cheeks..
I think I'll be moving yet again.
Eh.
Bday was filled with wild antics. overall it was....
AWESOME! ( new catch phrase for some time)
Ok now the heavy thoughts shall come:
When unhappy with life/w a partner what does one do?
Yeah breakup right? or
Tell them you need a break
I mean there are many ways to deal with your unhappiness temporarily but what happens when it carries over for years? Into new relationships.. just to suck them dry and leave another hurt soul behind in the pursuit of your OWN happiness never understanding you should have been happy alone before you even got with the next person anyways.
(Being selfish and wanting what you want can also count as a downfall)
I mean I know that I don't need a man to make me happy but for some reason I am unhappy and its getting worst everyday. My quest for happiness never had a chance in hell due to slick talk light walking niggas that have came.saw.and either got left or left me behind....
Happiness... something I don't normally get a chance to enjoy. I have a great deal of bad luck so a good day is just another break in the storm cloud that looms over my head daily... but still somehow I can be this bubbly vessel of light for others...
I wonder why...
I wonder why I can unlock everyone else's mind and allow them to find their way through fogs yet...
can never seem to get out the lost world I live in myself...
within my own mind...
sometimes I think my lack of emotions have caused me to just give up all hope on happiness ....
but yet I still long for it...
I wanna be able to wake up without a care and a smile knowing everything will be alright.. .even if i died that very same day and YOU can't give me that nor anyone else on this earth... I have to provide that feeling for self. Maybe you can help along the way.. but if I don't believe it... then it will never matter nor amount to anything... no matter HOW HARD YOU TRY.
And thats just the tip of the iceberg
This month I'm really baring my soul.. openly.
So get the tissues box and hold ya heart buddy...
I have many sins to confess...
All starting with HIM......
Now I know that there are many who are wondering where in the FUCK did I go but I had reasons to not be around.. damn...chill out.
Ok so I moved to ENY and now living in a area that blows ass cheeks..
I think I'll be moving yet again.
Eh.
Bday was filled with wild antics. overall it was....
AWESOME! ( new catch phrase for some time)
Ok now the heavy thoughts shall come:
When unhappy with life/w a partner what does one do?
Yeah breakup right? or
Tell them you need a break
I mean there are many ways to deal with your unhappiness temporarily but what happens when it carries over for years? Into new relationships.. just to suck them dry and leave another hurt soul behind in the pursuit of your OWN happiness never understanding you should have been happy alone before you even got with the next person anyways.
(Being selfish and wanting what you want can also count as a downfall)
I mean I know that I don't need a man to make me happy but for some reason I am unhappy and its getting worst everyday. My quest for happiness never had a chance in hell due to slick talk light walking niggas that have came.saw.and either got left or left me behind....
Happiness... something I don't normally get a chance to enjoy. I have a great deal of bad luck so a good day is just another break in the storm cloud that looms over my head daily... but still somehow I can be this bubbly vessel of light for others...
I wonder why...
I wonder why I can unlock everyone else's mind and allow them to find their way through fogs yet...
can never seem to get out the lost world I live in myself...
within my own mind...
sometimes I think my lack of emotions have caused me to just give up all hope on happiness ....
but yet I still long for it...
I wanna be able to wake up without a care and a smile knowing everything will be alright.. .even if i died that very same day and YOU can't give me that nor anyone else on this earth... I have to provide that feeling for self. Maybe you can help along the way.. but if I don't believe it... then it will never matter nor amount to anything... no matter HOW HARD YOU TRY.
And thats just the tip of the iceberg
This month I'm really baring my soul.. openly.
So get the tissues box and hold ya heart buddy...
I have many sins to confess...
All starting with HIM......
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