Another Sin Behind My Grin

I touched it.
No let me say that again...I fucked it once upon a blue moon and it was something I couldn't erase from these memory banks even if I flooded my mind worst that Hurricane Katrina did to N.O.
It's just that wild...and boggles my mind that I cannot forget such a thing.
Even after all that has went down...the time apart...all that.. I still can't forget it.
Maybe it's just me tripping yet again due to the sudden distance that has been wedged between me and my current object of affection but what in God's name will he think when he reads about my mental lusting for a past relation?
Yes I know I'm dead fucking wrong
but I guess this is the kinda fucked up shit about me that I warn the masses about.
I lust.
And its a damn sin that for some reason I cannot help but to give into its calling because thats just the silly, stupid, immature shit that I tend to resort to.
Being 22 and not fully having the ability to openly date much would do that to bitch.
I've been in long term relationships back to back and most of the time... always in a way I have been slightly forced to fall in love because that someone is oh so willing to sacrifice themselves just to gain an ounce of my love.. never really understanding the kind of pressure thats placed on me.
And then when I think I get a dude that will be on some..
I'm cool...you cool... we smash and we chill out..
take shit slow steady and see if us is what we want....
they can't fucking handle that and become faker than a 3 dollar bill.
I know the question in mind is: Candice, who are you lusting for?

Answer: Actually.. its really not even who I'm lusting for but what I'm lusting for.

Maybe those easy laid back days where everything is everything and life is just nothing but a walk in the park. Maybe that place where even though shit all around you seems so fucked up but in this moment... this very moment with that other person....we are in complete and utter bliss living a life where minor shit don't matter therefore big things never get a chance to even build.
Maybe the comfort that I know no matter what the fuck I do... I'm not judged for anything that I do nor restricted to act any ole way.

But then again...
a life like that seems to be nothing more than a dream.


Or is it?