Remembering An Emo Life

I used to be...

Days were spent held up in my room with lights low and curtains holding away any form of sunshine.
I never thought the sun could shine in my direction. Feeling like everyone hated me and I was worth nothing. screaming my lungs out and turning up the music just so no one could hear my tears.
I ...well I even cut myself a couple of times in places where others couldn't and wouldn't see.
I remember drinking heavily and smoking weed till my lungs collapsed. Skipping school because.. well. what the fuck did I really think I had to life for? My family... well lets just say everyone was looking out for self.. and sometimes forgetting I was still a child.
I was still a child....
Lost.. anti-social without a real meaning. Not understanding what was really wrong with me. Hating so much and loving so little. Yet somehow able to function beyond those 4 walls as if everything was ok....
Until I snapped one day and well.. lets just say I'm glad to still be here.
Remember...
People struggle to stay alive...
Some people would trade their souls to walk another day on this Earth.
Live everyday as if you were living you last.
Even when shit gets tough...as long as you are breathing.. you've won half the battle.

Moving.

So I'm moving.
Where?
Nah I'll leave blank an only tell those who matter much.
But yeah I'm moving..been a long time coming though.
I'm waiting on my new stuff to come in .
I need to set up my internet though so if you don't see me around thats whats going on. :(
Meanwhile...
I went out last night and had a blast and ate till my gut damn there collapsed
just because I wanted to be greedy. I wish I had pics but someone has those (rants at Reggie)!

Now.. thoughts that are on my mind for today are:
You never really matter until you make yourself matter.
Not a quote found but a thought I had.
Think about it. You will never really matter to others and yourself unless you ma yourself matter.
Not just making yourself important to others.. but actually making your mark showing evidence that someone (you) really did exist here on Earth.
Physical evidence... or ....becoming matter.
I wanna matter...matter fact I always wanna matter... but how can I...
Even do that when things about myself don't even matter to me....
Lord here I go rambling again before eyes.. eh... I guess.

Reggie.Reggie.Mo.Reggie.

==================================================================

So.. HA! Nigga you just got GOT SON SON!
Lol.
But um....I'll openly say this to you in front everyone watching and LURKING and shit... you been a saint to me ever since I fist laid eyes on that ugly little face and kicked you in the shin... You have been one of the greatest and sweetest things in my life (even after I pulled disappearing acts and you beat me up for having you worried) you have been just that nigga
that I know no matter how crazy shit can get on this earth..
I can look at your blank ass face and hear you tell such an emotionless yet super hilarious joke and have my insides cramping with joy.


Since highschool we have had ups and well I really don't remember us ever being down (see you are that fucking dope son!)You've been that friend that I could always bare my ugly little soul to and never really get judged. You know it's been a long road for me and somehow you've been walking right along with me. Eh people are going to read this and.. well you know...blah fuck em... aren't we used to the hate by now? But seriously...even though I may get my head chopped off for saying this I love you silly!
Now... let's pretend to make babies!(It's a joke)

Flag On Field.

Take a walk with me if you will.

You are talking to a dude who seems to have every reason in the world
to think and feel so insecure about you and him..
even though you tend to reinforce
that you are into him and care deeply about him.
You tend to try to understand what goes on in his head and even changed a couple of things in your life to accommodate his views just to ease his worries... and still.. this dude....wanna throw a fit.

Bitch about some frivolous shit.

Nah how about...
Anytime you talk to another dude (who's nothing more than a friend or has been reduced to a friend) You are crucified for having an adult convo or something along the lines.. yet this nigga answers the phone (while you on the other line) for bitches crying about how much they like him and wish they could be in his life as a girlfriend?

It seems like I can't have a life of my ow and still exist with him.
I guess we gotta become one and I should allow myself to lose who I am as a person.
It's the things a "real" girlfriend would do.

Nah lemme really go in son.

How about this nigga.. will mentally associate you with every other past bitch he ever fucked with and always bitching about the shit he go through on a daily basis making you feel like you are never around to really be that chick there for a nigga when he down even though you have actually lost sleep and all talking to this nigga and spending ya time on this nigga while trying to not be worried where the fuck ya own buck coming from and how you finna spend it?


I guess me not expressing how much I wanna boo him up makes it seem like I don't give a fuck.
Even though my keeping a low profile was and is the best way for me to even develop a god ad study base relationship with him before flaunting him to the world.. just to fall flat like every other relationship.

I mean. hell... it gets to the point where me walking outside seems to have become a hazard suddenly. As soon as I walk out the door he is worried about my well being and would really .. truly and honestly like to know my every move but too scared to ask because he know I will scream till my lungs collapse about how I am indeed a grown ass woman and have been taking care of myself before him and will after him. Then continue onward to express my hatred to his possessive ways.

Man..

Lemme tell you...
I think there is a great sense of bitchassness in my life.
I just don't know what to do with it though.


Sorry I gotta tell you in a blog homie...
But you my dear
You are one selfish, possessive son of a bitch
And quite frankly .... I'm growing tired of it already.

Another Sin Behind My Grin

I touched it.
No let me say that again...I fucked it once upon a blue moon and it was something I couldn't erase from these memory banks even if I flooded my mind worst that Hurricane Katrina did to N.O.
It's just that wild...and boggles my mind that I cannot forget such a thing.
Even after all that has went down...the time apart...all that.. I still can't forget it.
Maybe it's just me tripping yet again due to the sudden distance that has been wedged between me and my current object of affection but what in God's name will he think when he reads about my mental lusting for a past relation?
Yes I know I'm dead fucking wrong
but I guess this is the kinda fucked up shit about me that I warn the masses about.
I lust.
And its a damn sin that for some reason I cannot help but to give into its calling because thats just the silly, stupid, immature shit that I tend to resort to.
Being 22 and not fully having the ability to openly date much would do that to bitch.
I've been in long term relationships back to back and most of the time... always in a way I have been slightly forced to fall in love because that someone is oh so willing to sacrifice themselves just to gain an ounce of my love.. never really understanding the kind of pressure thats placed on me.
And then when I think I get a dude that will be on some..
I'm cool...you cool... we smash and we chill out..
take shit slow steady and see if us is what we want....
they can't fucking handle that and become faker than a 3 dollar bill.
I know the question in mind is: Candice, who are you lusting for?

Answer: Actually.. its really not even who I'm lusting for but what I'm lusting for.

Maybe those easy laid back days where everything is everything and life is just nothing but a walk in the park. Maybe that place where even though shit all around you seems so fucked up but in this moment... this very moment with that other person....we are in complete and utter bliss living a life where minor shit don't matter therefore big things never get a chance to even build.
Maybe the comfort that I know no matter what the fuck I do... I'm not judged for anything that I do nor restricted to act any ole way.

But then again...
a life like that seems to be nothing more than a dream.


Or is it?

Under The Tree

under the tree, originally uploaded by candicerawks.

Well it's been a long time since I've actually blogged and alot has changed. But if you wanted to know what I was up to. This is where I can be found. Under a tree.. with a cam...and living life. Things haven't been going well alot of up and downs.. and even some crash landing but all in all I think like always I'll come out of it with chin up and no words spoken till years later. Maybe I'm just.. I dunno.. weird like that. Meanwhile there wil be more to post about later on and pictures to go with my thoughts. Catch yall on the flip side.