The Sinner's Blog

Love And Unhappiness

2009-01-29T08:40:00.000-08:00

Question was asked

Him: How hard is it personally for you to get over the one you gave your heart to?

Me: Depends on how much of myself I really gave to that person. You don't just give your heart in most cases...

See think about it...

How long did it take for you to give that person whatever you gave them of you?

Now if you gave your heart along with your soul you are fighting a tough battle back normalcy because these are emotional and spiritual ties that bond you and another together for the duration of your relationship.

Hold up I might be speaking chinese to some right now so lemme break it down for the slow or lost.

There are 4 things we give of ourselves to another person during relationships.

In these 4 ways we form bonds with our partner.

To give one of the four to anyone that walks this earth means that you are now bonded in this way until the tie has been broken.

To break that tie will mean to break what bonds you together from the source of it all.

Here goes the 4...(in my view)

Mind/Mental: Some of us connect mentally before anything. Although this is normally the last bond to give fully its also the easiest bond to break and regain for self because nothing is stronger than the mind. The act of reasoning will reason above any emotional, spiritual or physical bond because if you really want to do something ...its nothing to it once your minds to it.

Remember that

Body/Physical: This physical bond is normally given early in relationships.

THE NOOKIES!
*ahem*

Normally its ruled by the heart and all the emotions that go with it BUT with better judgement the body will ignore emotional pull and simply hold strong with the mind. Most fling type relationships use and abuse this bond. Still mind over matter always wins. You get tired and eventually you move on.
Again..this reinforces the above statement of the mind.

Heart/Emotional: They say love conquers all. False. A complete love with all four essential parts holding together strong will conquer all. Needless to say the heart is the emotional bond that many of us suffer from. This bond is not as easy to break but when broken its the most liberating feeling on earth or...can cause you to fold into a little ball. Ice cream and vent session and some new underwear can help get you through this one...oh and maybe calling that person out they name a few times.

Soul/Spiritual:
*sigh*

Its greater than just loving someone.
Its being so in love with someone your soul becomes intune with each other.
This bond..comes rare and also the is strongest and most painful bond to break.
A spiritual bond cannot be denied it can only be ignored. And even then sometimes the calling to from another's soul can be heard in the back of your mind.
And you slowly die...inside.

It rules out every other bond there is.
Its the alpha and omega of relationships.
This is an unbreakable bond.

However...if mind, body and heart cannot take the strain of this bond then you are able to pull away and salvage whatever of you is left...but understand that this bond..will never die and you will never be the same.

Now back to his question...

How long will it take?

Well...now considering everything I said...

How much did you give?

...

New Year.

2009-01-24T16:20:00.000-08:00

Hi

I'm Candice.

You might know me a bit from last years up and down rollercoaster ride of finding myself between trying to love someone and holding onto much of my past.

Yeah you know me pretty darn well then from last year.

Wasn't that pretty fun to watch?

You know what's going to be cooler?

This years Candice.

Let me update you a bit.

Moved back to Flatbush.
Got new job.
Got another kitty! (His name is Osiris and he's a sexy cat)
Fell back in lust or love or whatever you wanna call it with Maurice (His first name hidden because of the nosey)
And now slowly falling out of that due to emotional strain and whatnots.
Was hospitalized and found out that I had cyst on my ovaries (explaining why I was sick all the time)
And this was all in the first month of 09

Yeah this year finna be a blast.

Join me!

I Voted

2008-11-05T10:24:00.000-08:00

I got up and went to vote sometime around 2.
Had to go back to Eny to vote because when I registered that was the address that I signed everything up under. I wore my favorite blue sweater, some dunks, blue jeans, and a grey tee with the words Protect nature. I was greeted by a very nice older woman who showed me how to votem she stood in the booth with me and helped me pick some people (aside from Obama because there was no fucking way in hell I would vote for McCain old rooty tooty ass) but we spoke of the importance of this day and how great its going to be to tell our children this story. I took a pic of my vote and pulled the big red lever to cast it....

I elected Obama

The first black president.

Im Going Home Again...

2008-10-23T15:36:00.000-07:00

Flatbush

I've missed you more than you know
And after some months being without you
I'm going home again!

Beef paties and shopping areas
Rastas and fast walking chicks
Mango man
The damn Q train
Dollar vans
Tmobile store

Man you name it I've missed it
Ooooo
Ooooooo and
Hair suplly stores
Omg
Fucking hair supply stores
Dude do you know its like heaven to know I can run out and get some weave

Damn

If that's not sexy
I dunno what is

Amusement

2008-10-13T05:52:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm my thoughts well its a little something along the lines of
"make money more money oooh money"
type shit mixed with a
"niggas better get right with God before they fuck with me"
type shit sprinkled with
"lord I sense another crush happening all over again"

Yeah I've been a busy thinker in between breaks and sleep as of late.

My comp sucks ass
And I'm in the process of getting a new place
Because this one sucks ass and I'm pretty sure that others know this....

But yeah its pretty much been calm on the home front my quest has been achieved because I'm no longer looking for a road

I'm making one

I thinks its best I make a road instead of walking paths others traveled

And the peace of mind feels good might I add...

Yeah its a great Monday morning w my blueberry muffin smelling all kinds of sexy and the thought of a poem for my muse in the back of my head

Speaking on muses

Yeah I think I might have a new one
But
I'm scared to use him because well I dunno he's like hella warped and such and I love it but I don't want things to become funny or sour in anyway
I dunno maybe I worry way too much
And
Then again maybe I don't worry enough.

Internet Lockdown

2008-09-24T21:09:00.000-07:00

Yeah.. I'm locking down on the net right about now. I will not be around to watch yall and your wild antics that tend to transpire.
I shall be out and about and away.
Need me?
Ask Cat how to contact me or call me yaself. Other than that.. I'm off!

Ya Fat Fuck!

2008-09-22T05:26:00.000-07:00

Listen nothing against the big boys
but I be fucking damned just because I'm a big bitch...
yall finna think this fat bitch want a fat nigga.

Nah a nigga thats stocky... like solid thick
that damn he like a brick house type dudes...
I've always been in love with..
not the niggas with all the cuts type
but the chicks know the ones I'm talking about...
yall cool with me...

but yall nassy ass
blobs of massive proportions with no form of shape what so ever looking like
a set of discombobulated tires stacked high

yall sicken me so....

yall always wanna be in my FUCKING FACE SMELLING LIKE A PACK OF HOTLINKS
talking about I'm sexy

If you dont keep ya ole rolly polly humpty dumpty I'm just fat because I got a gland problem and was smaller once but never really was small sitting on a love seat looking like a loveseat two seats in the movie theater taking shake and bake loving deep fried apple eating diet coke drinking I'm trying to watch my figure yet only watching it get wider ass
out my face

I'm going to one day tell you about yourself.
Real fucking talk.
I mean ok you fat I get it.. but don't think just because I'm fat I want someone fatter than me on top of me trying to fuck and sucking up all the fucking air in the damn room.

Can I please breathe?

Nah yall always wanna try that "You hating on ya own kind" BULLSHIT!

No nigga I'm not..
what I'm saying is that you shouldn't be 100 bls fatter than me talking about I'm going to blow ya back out.

Nigga you wouldn't even get pass the fucking foreplay... because you would collapse from a heart attack or rupture a lung from all the damn excitement.

Yes I'm not a small chick myself and that some men will feel the same way about me
hence why I stay in my lane and not even TRY to be in EVERY CUTE NIGGA FACE BECAUSE I know that I'm not everyone preference.
I'm confidant but not stupid and everyone
not comfy with fat asses SO WHY WILL I TRY TO FORCE IT ON SOMEONE?
That shit is not cool.. yet.... still...you fat fucks try me on all the wrong days.
learn from this blog please... there are other women like me...
and they may not be as nice to warn you.

Candice.

I Um...Miss You

2008-09-17T20:03:00.002-07:00

I know its just something off beat and out there to say to you but I um.. miss you kid.
like really it's like something missing... a part of me just somewhere out there. Nah not in the you are a part of me and we are one thoughts but in the damn someone I generally care about is away and darn it I miss that guy

that guy...

with the great convo that makes me smile from time to time showing me that even in the eve of disaster rainbow tend to break through clouds every now and then.

Yeah I miss you and still play "that" song everyday because hey.
It's dope!
And well I miss you and hope that everything is fine and that you are safe.

Meanwhile enough of this mushy type stuff.

http://www.gspoetry.com/thinking-emotions-poems-262753.html

Stale[mate]?

2008-09-17T20:03:00.001-07:00

Sometimes we need to cool it.
Sometimes even when we want for someone to get what we think should come to them RIGHT NOW we can't force it.

But we try...
and because we try
we play a hand in the Devil's grand design to continue to spread misery and pain.
I know that I have done it countless times and this is a trait that I'm trying to annihilate but how can you really see that there is a problem f you think its not a problem?

Ok.. granted I'm all for trying to do a nigga in after I'm wronged and yeah niggas play games to show out
but where does the games end?

What about the parties involved?
The emotions stirred. he tears cried... the sorrys said.. the hate brewed

what the fuck is i all for when in the end shit finna fall apart anyways
and no one really ends up being the winner.

What happens when there's a silent checkmate?

A checkmate neither players are even willing to admit.
No more pawns.rooks. nothing.
King and Queen
face to face

now technically the Queen would win with some power moves but we are talking about an actual relationship yo... so don't even think of claiming a victory... but anyways

where the victory in making sure someone get's whats coming to them before the time is right?

What if by you putting all the effort in shit indeed change fate
and place a bounty on your happiness?

I'll leave it on that note till I come back to this thought.

Even When I Away.....

2008-09-17T20:03:00.000-07:00

Blog was removed due to new information stating nothing was to involve me.
I will only hope thats the truth.
And will say nothing more.

I Took A Walk

2008-09-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

Went on some interviews today and decided as a New Yorker it's only right that I take a walk over the bridge once. You know just take a walk and clear my head over the bridge and just enjoy the view I normally look at through train car windows. So I tok this walk with my head high and feeling pretty darn good about myself.

It's a nice walk.

I noticed a woman walking by with a 9-11 shirt on... her head hung low and look like she was crying a bit. Didn't bother to ask because while I'm just happy to walk and be alive.. she walking in the name of a fallen soul.

Damn... crazy right?

Meanwhile..
I saw this old lady today and though about my grandmother. She had a presence about her.. a gentle soul... you can tel she was a mother of at least more than 2 kids because the way she glowed. Very polite and even noticed that I fell asleep on the bus and made sure to wake me before my stop. I thanked her kindly. You don't find people like that everyday...

I wonder if my granny told her to wake me.

Catalina!!! Memo Of Geighness.

2008-09-11T16:35:00.000-07:00

Love Lockdown (Real Version?) - Kanye West

So I'ma need yall to understand that the other working half of the
law and order crew.. Catalina....is over there geighing it all up!
when I mean gay.. its so gay it need to be spelled different to geigh to elongate the geigh part about it.
Over there dancing in rain drop and shit.
Ole I'ma sit in the grass and pic flowers playing he loves me he love me not ass chick.

HOW WERE SUPPOSE TO BE PIMPING DOING SUCH NONSENSE LIKE THIS?!?

HOW CAT?

Why Cat.. why....man.... this not right.. and I'm sorry that I have to do this publicly but I must take your card back.

Yes the cane too... you are a sad excuse for a pimp these days loving these "hos"
and ish.. its reckless and us pimps don't condone such behavior.

Therefore it pains me much to say... your playa card has been revoked.

*cuts Cat's card up*

I'm very sure you know the procedure to attain this card again but please this time....
TRY TO KEEP IT FOR MORE THAN 2 WEEKS YOU FOOL I BE DAMNED I HAVE TO DO THIS SHIT TO YOU AGAIN!

Thank you.

Geighlord.

catsgeigh.mp3 -

The 11th Huh?

2008-09-11T05:28:00.000-07:00

It's the 11th...
a day in history
that niggas won't even let scared families try to forget.

They dwell and drag out the horror
that people had to go through.

They continue to play clips of people jumping out of buildings
trying to find a way to live
only to jump to their death unwillingly.

Mass media using fear as tactics
to remind use that we are never really safe
within our own doors because our government are pussies
playing hide and fuck it we gave up seeking for Osama.

We found oil.
Fuck lives that paid cost higher than current gas prices.

Yes it's the 11th.
Yet again I'm reminded of the burned flesh smell
lingering within black clouds of doom.

Yes.
It's the 11th.
Yet again I'm reminded that my heart
dropped down faster than the towers crumbled
thinking I would never see my father ever again

Thinking...
i'd never see my father again

Praying...
wishing to run into the streets
being held back by security guards
trying to secure me

Secure me?

SECURE?!?

How can we be secure
if planes can be hijacked
in mid air
crashed into twin giants
and successfully bring a whole country
to a stand still?

It's the 11th
Yeah same day where birthday wishes for
a friend became funeral for her mother

The 11th
Where brave firefighters who sacrificed lungs
now cough up blood because HMO act just like that

homo

Yeah it's the 11th today...

So I'm not listening to the radio
nor turning on my TV

I'm calling my father to tell him I love him
yet again
and then

and then

continuing living...

Peacefully.

2008-09-10T06:13:00.000-07:00

I was playing this song...
thought about something you said and cracked a smile
randomly just thinking about little things

See little things matter the most to me.
Men don't normally get that though...

Just noticing small changes within me or about me
show that you are showing a great deal of interest
and thats something that always a plus to me
even thought i don't think I really interest you much like that
but it's cute to think of it randomly ya know
like a little gift given to me that I can use over an over for smiles
and pick me ups when my day seems a bit off.

Yeah...
it's a nice thing that you do kid.
I only wish I could provide you with that same feeling every now and then
I would be so proud and happy.

Maybe I do and you just don't tell me because you are some secretive
in the shadows type dude wishing to play it cool
trying to figure my complex crazy ass out

maybe I just don't and need to work harder at letting you know
that as a friend...
I wanna make this more of a give and take type thing
giving you that feeling that i get anytime context clues
are left around for me like specially made Candice bread crumbs
i wanna leave you some bread crumbs too :(
because
you make me smile
& thats something that comes pretty rare
but then again you are a rare breed
so what else could I really expect.

Hmmmm..... you might read this...
then again you might not...
still nice for me to get this out of my system and go on about my day
humming that song and breathing peacefully.

Iysis....My Big Ass Cat...

2008-09-07T20:18:00.000-07:00

I just wana share something with yall people.

My cat name is Iysis.
She's pretty much a thug.
The bitch sits on my fucking keyboard and pushes shit
Doesn't like the look of her litter box but uses it...
and damn there fucked up the male cat from upstairs
She likes to try to sit on my fucking head
and refuses eat her tuna right now
and has also attacked my vodka bottle....
I think she trying to tell me something
:(

I swear.. she's a bitch....
but I love her though!

[insert heart]

Yeah shes a fucking thug son.....
And this bitch took over my computer area...
there fore now I must relocate my comp....
because Iysis has marked her territory.
She's pretty much more bad ass then most you fuckers.

Pics to come soon.

Oh Hips Hurt [Labor Day]

2008-09-01T19:29:00.000-07:00

So today was the holiday Candice loves to celebrate.

And its was ok.
I mean every year now they find another way to ruin ya mood but hey... its the biggest parade in the city.... they hate hard!

So ok I got drunk and was taking pics.. dancing up the road and shit... ran into some sexy men...and not so sexy men... ctfu.

Niggas had motherfucking paint and smearing it onto each others bodies and shit. Man I just don't get it!

I was waiting for the Hot97 float.....

and guess what every other float was blah...
aint that a bitch...

it was alot less floats this year also.

Ok so... we get to the Hot97 float and BAM pushing and shit because the damn Haitian and the Jamaicans are fight for room.. since they kept stopping floats and shit.
So after watching Nene shake and shimmy all over the Haitian float we made way to Movado and them.... niggas had the fucking place hype.I ran into me ex Reggie.. and found out my lover can ACTUALLY DANCE..... man I was like WTF! *slaps head* He was the best dance I had the whole time... maybe is because we knew each other and all.. or maybe because he knows how to move.. i dunno but FUCK it was nice. We were good for a while till someone was random pinching Nene's butt for no reason (mind you at this time we were in the back just walking0 and she spazzed on a nigga! ctfu!

Next event was not a funny one... someone pulled out a gun.. didn't shoot though.
Still nigas got so shook everyone stampede over the barricades. I lost Nene by this time and had to thug it out for self.

After that it was all peace and love and good tunes and random dances with more black men.

awesome I tell you people...

always awesome to end summer with a bang....
just not one to ya dome.

lol.

Goodbye Summer :(

Pic soon come.

Rant: WHY THE FUCK WAS THE BAJAN TRUCK SO FUCKING WACK AND WE HAD KROSFYAH ON IT?

BARBADOS

GET ON YA FUCKING JOB AND GET RUPEE HIGH YELLOW SEXY BAJAN ASS BACK ON THE FUCKING FLOAT BEFORE I COME KILL YALL NAGGERS.

IM NOT PLAYING!

Carribean City!

2008-08-31T12:14:00.000-07:00

Yo... I never went to this club everyone claims is so bad and ish due to the fact it was in the hood. So ok... it was 10 bucks for a party that will not end till 6 in the morning. I mean think about it.. it's NYC an its Labor Day weekend... 10bucks for a party that's getting broadcast on the radio.

So we get in there and its not that many people yet.. (it's 12) and I'm introduced to Nen's friends. I met one before.... the others no... but one that caught my eyes was this sexy Trini man with long dreds... it this his name was Kevin. Still in here his name will be Sexy Trini Man.

So I'm cursing him because he is Trini and they are like kyptonite to my soul.. and he... got me :( Man he was like a ninja... as soon as I thought I was safe...he would pop up with them sexy ass hips and tear my ass up. GOD! It was aswesome.. Dancing with everyone and having fun. I didn't drink because I was already drinking fro mthe day before so I was like still in a zone.

It was wall to wall antics... people smoking filling the club with weed smoke.. drink getting spilled and ghetto... partly dressed hoes.

I mean really when I can see the line where ya booty cheeks meet.... its a little to short of a dress girl. Then on top of that.... these chicks weren't even getting danced with. I was a little shocked you would think niggas would wanna dance with them.. nah... they left them alone.

Overall.. best party I ever when to for Labor Day... I came home to my bed and smiles.

Yo Sexy Trini man must be seen not drunk so I can get the full effect for him. I think I wanna be he friend. He pretty!

lol.

Pussy Galore & Dredlock Yankers!

2008-08-23T10:54:00.000-07:00

So... let me say this
Madame X is a sexy lil place that if you wanted to take ya man and just relax.... this would be that intimate 3rd date type thing. Red lights, black walls , couches, good priced drinks... yeah... this would be that place for you to go.

Get the Pussy Galore!
Its a drink that taste fucking awesome... probably that only good pussy I'll ever know about. Even the guys wanted some ( go figure) but nah those things were fucking awesome.

Ok... so we are at Anthonine's quiting party... nothing to wild just everyone coming in after work/ school/ from home. to this little lounge and chilling, talking & mingling... so ok... we eat.. we mingle... and everything is smooth.

"Sexy brother" (Nene's new interest) come through and chills... to only be scared off by someone that goes by the name of Betty!
Dun dun dun!

She tried to yank his new twisted dreds :( without asking.

*sigh*

Scared that poor boy off because by the time ran to give Nene her phone ole boy was out the door.
*hands head*

You know there is just something about touching people hair that mofos need to understand.. YOU JUST DONT TOUCH SOMEONE HAIR LIKE TAT MAN!

Wtf!

Meanwhile other than that it was a awesome day and now me and Nene are going to plan a bday party! Yay!

Go us!

My Story

2008-08-22T00:11:00.000-07:00

I told you I was no good.
I was just another chick...another girl in this world
wandering.. trying to fin my own way...still searching.

Hmmm...I told you I was no good.
Like no good in the way where I rot out brains
Funny.. cause candy rots teeth.. go figure huh?

I never wanted to hurt you at all...but I knew me
and I knew that one day like always I would hurt you to the point where you will forever hate me and everything that I was...

Yeah I know it hurts... painful burning and shit like that.

But you was not a saint kid. So stop it...
Stop with the whole tears down cheeks I'm forever lost without you act because you really not lost without and shouldn't be if you were found in the first place.

I'm sorry... really..

No matter how much I say it though it don't matter right?

Yeah I know I'm not bleeding fro the heart publicly enough for you to really see that I'm sorry so hey... I'm a bitch for that..

Let me be that then...
I'll be this bad guy for as long as you want for me to be...
maybe one day you can see that I did care and still care even still think about you but the problem is.. we
are not meant to be anything more than friends and we proved that. You want more.. need more.. .require much more but hey I can't give you that right now because I'm not willing to try again. I'm not willing to act like a lover towards you knowing I can't do it kid.... really....

but you can't see that so hey... its whatever.

Hard Ass...Yeah I Know.

2008-08-20T15:09:00.000-07:00

Some results from a test that I took that was in Clara's blog... goshers...
It saying I'm hard ass.... eh.... don't I know it already though. Watch some asshole sit at the screen and think they preaching the gospel in the results.. even up taking the test themselves and be shown their true colors.. and not like the results one bit. :)

Meanwhile.. read it... its so on point though.

Your result for The LONG Scientific Personality Test ...
ESTJ-The Supervisor

You scored 64% I to E, 58% N to S, 81% F to T, and 26% J to P!
Your type is known as the supervisor, as you are not hesitant to give your stamp of approval on others - or tell them how they are lacking if they are. You are surprised when others don't seem grateful that you have set them straight. Your type also belongs to the larger group called guardians. Experience is what matters to you, not experimentation or conjecture. You often take a lead role in the many groups and organizations you belong to. You worry a great deal about society falling apart, morality degrading, and what the world is coming to. You share your personality type with 10% of the population.
As a romantic partner, you communicate very clearly your strong opinions so your partner always knows where they stand. You are dependable, responsible, and rock solid. You can be rather infexible about giving up any control and insist on keeping a schedule, although you have great energy and enthusiam for planned adventures. You have difficulty seeing other's points of view and your biggest downfall in a relationship is dismissing your partner's feelings as illogical. You feel most appreciated for being trustworthy, efficient, and productive. You wish to be thanked tangibly for the ways you keep your lives on track.
Your group summary: Guardians (SJ)
Your Type Summary: ESTJ

and another one....

Your result for The Perception Personality Image Test ...
HBPS - The Optimist

Humanity, Background, Big Picture, and Shape

HBPS - The Optimist

You perceive the world with particular attention to humanity. You focus on the hidden treasures of life (the background) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the shapes around you. Because of the value you place on humanity, you tend to seek out other people and get energized by being around others. You like to ponder ideas and imagine the many possibilities of your life without worrying about the details or specifics. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You prefer a structured environment within which to live and you like things to be predictable.

So I'm a hardassed optimist...

yeah sounds like a oxymoron to me...

Your result for The Best Personality Type for You Test by ...
ENFP - The Champion

You scored 100 I versus E, 20 N versus S, 40 F versus T, and 40 J versus P!
Your ideal mate is known as the champion. As a romantic partner, they need to talk about what is going on in their lives. They are strong supporters for their partner's efforts to grow and change and be happy. They need to feel that same support from their partners. Expressive, optimistic, and curious, they are eager to enjoy new experiences with their partners, whom they wish to be their confidant and soul mate, as well as play mate. They are uncomfortable sharing negative emotion, though, and tend to withdraw from confrontation and process their feelings privately. They feel most loved when their partner appreciates their creativity, accepts their uniqueness, and sees them as the compassionate person they are. They need to hear their partner tell them how much they mean to you and would love if you did thoughtful spontaneous things to demonstrate it.

The Beach.

2008-08-19T19:58:00.001-07:00

I went to the beach.
Alone... by choice.
I could have had people with me but something told me go alone.

This was the reason...

While sitting on the shore watching the tide come back and fourth washing over my feet... hearing children at play laughing and giggling... watch adults become kids again.. and old people hold hands walking along semi wet sand...

I didn't feel a void of being alone...
Infact I found another piece to my happiness puzzle...

See sometimes you just gotta do for you to make yourself happy.
Not be guilt into thinking you are selfish because you are not sharing every aspect of life with another.. but to have certain things that you do... that identifies you as you.

Ok I get the whole.. mesh as one to become something stronger than what you were alone and apart.. but there are things that you will do alone that will keep you grounded.. .not allowing you to lose yourself in everything thats going on...

you are still you... but working as a unit.

So as I jumped in the water and made some beach buddies I was me.
Just me.. loving my day out in the world

And no longer feeling alone.

Yups... yall see that.. thats a step towards happiness :)

My Weekend.

2008-08-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

Yeah should have been wrote this but I knew that there was one more event I would have that should go with this post right here... so I waiting.

Now on Sat... I met up with Valentine, Clara, and LaToya.
All from the poetry site... to chill and meet and greet for Clara's bday week.
Seems like even in person.. we al were pretty much chill and cracking jokes.
All went to BBQ place on Broadway, ate, drank, and spoke about somethings.. and cleared some air between us all...after all you can't be eating next to someone and not wanna make sure that yall understand each other.

Or in Clara's words : The 4 families conversed and decided to make peace.
lol.

Well that was not the end of it. we took a wild ride to BK
Clara was a cougar on the prowl, Val was hiding from people, and Toya was sitting next to the cute guy who I think could have been a tab bit gay... but he was still cute though with his matching ass! lmbao. But during this time Clara had other plans

Trevor!

ctfu... she wants to find a man named Trevor.... dred head to be exact because she has big bad bumbaclot pussyhole for him!

So we went to a block party which was cool... Val friend Tiny taught Clara how to wind...we danced laughed and then smoked...and made sure there will never be talks again about the sweat crotch pictures...lol.

Clara got her beef patty / coco bread and we all took some pictures.

I mean it was a chill day...

and I thank Clara and Toya for wanting to hang out w/ us.

Hey yall didn't get the Brenda treatment... simply because.. yall were real
and not some fake chicks smiling.

Yo on record... Toya gets the niggas though.. fyi! lmbao.

Well....

2008-08-17T13:03:00.000-07:00

After another convo where yet again...
old news being rehashed and dealt with..

I'm left with a headache and just...
needing my peace to come back fast...

I shouldn't have agreed to speak but maybe this will be the last time that I have to attempt to explain things
that are still being unheard and ignored...

I can no longer attempt to speak and prove I loved him in any form of way...

Even my sorries don't count.. i guess they are not being said in the way you want them... but for whatever it is.. I'm sorry for breaking your heart.

and will continue to feel some sort of way about it.. .which is a reason why I just want peace...

I 'wishing for it but somehow because you are still bitter about everything you are unwilling to just drop things and accept it for what it is... and its ok.. ill be around when you ready....
Look... we had something... still something...
but I have to be true to me and if I know that even though t th love is there
I' not in love with you... love you.. but not in love with you

My heart doesn't cry anytime I get a slight feel of longing..
I'm not smiling at just thinking about the small little things that you do
No I'm not more than willing to give myself to you and trust that things will be ok
because you are that man that will handle biz

I can't give my all to someone who I know I'm not going to continue to be faithful to.

I will cheat....
and keep doing it because there is a void that need to be filled...
could be filled by just living for self... new adventures.. or maybe someone else...
but I do know that whatever it is....
whatever may happen....

I refuse to go back to everything just because you feel you have no peace with things.... I'm still dealing with alot of my own issues and things that are wrong with me...
but no longer seeking acceptance by you nor the conform into whatever it is that you cal a relationship....

Really....

whatever it is... like it be....

let it be.....

just let it....

Flirtatious C

2008-08-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

So.. I like to flirt alot. Thats been me.
sometimes I get myself into trouble though because lord knows... people really don't get that I'm not trying to be with them or new boo type shit.

But then ... when I am on that mission people could never tell because I'm a flirt anyways... so it's like a double edged sword.

Sucks ass.

Lemme give yall another thought...

Why the fuck you talk to a nigga about 3 mouths ago and they randomly call you up like HEY! I'm LIKE HUH? They like HEY! I'm like the fuck?!? O_o?

Trust that shit happens to me all the time.. but then again...
I tend to ig my phone alot when random numbers pop up on muh phone.

Sigh*

Hmmmmm.....

What about those dudes you know you shouldn't even think about fucking with... yet you do..
bag em up and play with fire..
lord the thrill... I think the whole.. lets get to know each other just excites us... (well me) and then after that .... I guess they lose th freshness to em..... some don't though! Some stay around and are really cool... for convo.. but other than that....
I should only be thinking about convo with dudes... a relationship can be in the works right about nhow... I gotta fix self first before alldat!

Mind Made Up.

2008-08-12T12:36:00.000-07:00

Listen to Marvin playing slowly along with this blog.
You heard what he said in the beginning.

I was loving you
I was really loving you baby
Still in love with you baby

It's a fact that even when I say your name my heart tens to flutter and shift a bit more than most.
*sigh*

I woke this morning and thought you were here with me...

but you wasn't...

I was holding myself again.

On this quest for happiness I see you yet again in the pathway...
this time.. instead of going around you and avoiding what could be...
I'm giving up. Not really giving up in a bad way but giving into my heart and finally learning to love fully... because for some reason with noone else can I be that adorable big eyed little brat with sugar kisses and hugs..

Just don't feel right....they don't hold me the way you have
They just don't cut it.. even though I can love them ... want to be with them and all...
still.. because of my undecided heart... me and another can't get anywhere if I'm still thinking and loving you.
Still some ho he wants to be here...
knowing...I can't love him...
and this will be over faster than he knows it.

I was told that I changed.. I used to love hard and keep my brick wall up.
But as of late I've been cold hearted.. distant.. unwilling to love.. emotionless (more than ever) and many other things.

These past years changed me and may not be for the better but this is who I am.
Although I mellow out alot more that before.. not sounding all g'd up.. and I act more like a lady now.

Yo I even wear heels a bit more these days.
(I know you finna be like WOW)
i STIL HAVE MY J'S THOUGH!

I've been many things you wouldn't even imagine kid... nor thought i had the heart to be.

I'm not saying ya name and some things have been altered in this blog because there are people looking but I'm sure when you read this...you will know it's for you.

But.. soon I'll be loving you.. that is when you return

and still be willing.

Jill Scott.

2008-08-12T10:30:00.000-07:00

first let me say that she's all woman.
And a real woman at that.

Her concert was great man she really sung her ass off and I'm sure anyone that know me when she did Crown Royal Suite.... I damn there died.
Man she sung that shit and had the guitar laying and shit damn a bitch was like so ready to go on home make phone call and give him the biznuss! Lol... its was a great concert.. she ended it on such a soft ad touching note( after we called her back out 2 for encore) - an she came back out to- but she performed a song she hasn't recored yet.. and was a little afraid to do it.

Thats where I witnessed....

she's just another normal person with a great voice who loves this.

So she started to sing the song and.. very emotional...
but she sung it... buy the end.. she was smiling clapping and feeling so god with tears in eyes because all of Brooklyn was singing this song back to her.

I was touched and misty eyed myself.. she has such a pretty smile.

She sung Golden. He loves me. Long walk. Crown royal. It's love and many more hits that people loved.. did tracks off the new album also...but she didn't do My Love though... kinda good though because then i would have been in tears like my ass was at the Badu concert when she sung Otherside Of The Game....

And yall know I hate to cry....

Oh... and shit... to hear Jill Scott sing a pretty pretty Fuck You to the haters was not bad at ALL!

Jill... you have my heart and ears as always.

In The Pursuit Of Happiness (Continued)

2008-08-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

I'm on that path.
There are people around me now that I trust way more. People who love me for me.
They know my life not the greatest and know about my heath and all that shit but.. they still love me and wouldn't change me for the world.

I think when you really understand that you have power to change but become ok with who you are you gain an ounce more of that sunshine within you. So... I'm going to stop the whole stay to myself thing.. .I'm going out with those who have known me and know I should be around family and in a loving environment instead of being anti social me.

It's about time I fly again..
putting emotion baggage don't and not feel responsible for it.. allows you to enjoy so much...
I'm going to the beach later on this week just to chill out and not do nothing more than writ something. Alone. But... at peace.

I attempted last night to understand something thats in that past.
Something that was causing unhappiness. but I thoughts about it.... why go back to whatever it was that was making me unhappy.
Talking about it.. got me nowhere due to unwillingnesses to listen and fronts so
fuck it...

I gotta do me and live for me.. not everyone else.
I gotta another story on that but .. .thats the next blog.

Live.Life.Love.

Normal Much?

2008-08-11T22:47:00.000-07:00

So I was told because I keep some of the MANY ex's I have as friends.. who I talk to and check up on every now and then as a friend... or someone to just have a good convo with.... I was not normal.

Reginald, Steve, and Barry this one is for you.

Its seems that even though I could chill with these guys who I've done fuckd sucked and all that jazz with ... and not think of one sexual act that I would want to perform... still even being in contact with these gays is WRONG.

According to the normal radar.

So I ask this.. what's ever really normal?

Reginald was something like high school fling but then grew into this cute puppy like love.. still.. today I speak o him every now and then check on him and chilled with him recent. We are still much in tune.. but know its not right and won't work.. so a friend will be the title we give this. Still.. I can't imagine me doing this dude every again because he's not who my heart desire.

Then we have Steve. .i mean I talk to the kid..not much though because... well thats another story)but I would never date him in my life ever again nor share that same emotion I did when I was younger I thinking it was nothing more than lust. Still a hello will be passed and we go on our merry way.

Barry.... o the bajan man... love him like something good cooked at home.. but we are not going to ever be together again. We know this.. matter fact he's engaged and to be wed next year. We still crazy and open with each other but its a good friend yo thats my nigga type thing.
I hope I see his ass on the parkway though.
NIGGA I BETTER SEE YA LITTLE ASS!
*taps foot*

what do they all have in common?

The fact that they accept this shit and keep it fucking moving.
Not ho,ding onto that past but was just happy to know me.. and notice how much better as friend we work than as a unit of one.

So.... its not normal enough for ya huh?

See... I came to grips with the fact that my life.. is not normal.. but it works and keeps me happy.. so fuck what the other think... I mean really think about a crackhead.. you know she a crackhead.. she know it too.. not right for her but hey guess what.. she not finna change that aspect of life about her until SHE see its fitting.. she's happy.. and i think thats all that matters to her right about now.

I can't change who I am nor that company i keep because of what others think are not the norm.
They don't live my life and I'm very sure there are things about them that are not normal that I would frown upon but at the end of the day.. you gotta live ya life.

Live it the way to see it as right.

it's just that simple to me.. but maybe I'm just wrong.. with my happiness.

I don't think you understand that my life is all about me. Call it selfish.. but I was unhappy because I wasn't selfish enough to be true to self. Instead I played the whole lemme try role. Nah....

Maybe you just wrong for telling me how to live as if I was you...as if I was a normal chick to begin with? I think I really haven't made myself clear.

Maybe ... nothing should really be said at all as long as its not effecting you personally..
or maybe it does effects you personally and you just can't handle that you may seem secnd best to the rest. Then that would mean insucurties are flaring and proves yet again.

I shouldn't be fucking with you in th first place.

Eve..Evil..Live...Hmmmmm...

2008-08-07T15:39:00.000-07:00

So this will be like part 2 to my other blog that I wrote.
I survived the period from hell people...
I live to tell you these thoughts

Eve was one evil bitch.
Nah think about this...
thats sassy little bitch went on the other side of the garden
start talking to snakes and shit
listens to that creepy ass nigga
pick apples and not even bite t yet
she convince this nigga Adam to bite it first..
then she bit it.

Ain't this motherfucker a trifling ass bitch?

And yall wonder why we suffer every month for 7 days
Bleed for 7 days and not die...
son... WHAT OTHER BREED YOU KNOW BLEED FOR 7 DAYS AND NOT DIE!

Man... yall telling me this shit was not a curse sent from God
some magical painful twisted flaw of our way of life.

Then..we gotta give birth too!

The day I get to heaven... I'm getting kicked out..
I'ma punch Eve in her evil ass ovaries and make her feel the pain.
playing this song while stomping her ass out.
Bring The Pain - Method Man

Damn bitch.

Ms. Badu Took Me To Church.

2008-08-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

So i went to the Erykah Badu concert yesterday at Wingate Park. Last time I was there I was there for Lauren Hill's....

Let me tell yall a little something about Ms. Badu....

She in her own right is a God at performing. It not just a concert . It's an experience. She has this power to move you from ya seat to ya feet and sing on top of lung off key and not give a fucking shit. Have you bonding with the people next ti you and you don't even know them. She is amazing.

Me Anthonine and some friends sat there front row singing and almost in tears when she sung certain songs.... yall should know.. I Want You and Otherside of the Game was my shit. When she got to Otherside of the Game.....tears rolled down my cheeks singing every word I don't know what that woman did but I thank her right now....

Because at the very moment sitting there enjoying my moment..

I felt inner happiness.

I found out its not who you with that makes you happy
It's what you do for self to make self happy.

I recorded some of the songs and god moments from my phone...
I'll upload them...

Her back... you.. that woman's back was so fucking fierce!
I mean she would turn her back the crowd and dance you in was like DAMN YA BACK SEXY!
Lol... NeeNeen tryna figure how to get a back like that now..lol.

But overall... one of the best concerts I've been to and hey I even got to touch her and she came past the crowd signing :)

Fun fun fun :)

War Of The World Within.

2008-07-27T03:48:00.000-07:00

Excuse this very femalish type rant. It's rare that I ever even go through this now so when it happens... its like World War 25. My ovaries....ARE IN PAIN! I mean... I should be sleep right now.... WRONG WRONG! My ass was in the bed tossing and turning from the shedding on a million linings thats you would like to cal a period. Yes.. I know I should not speak of this so openly but damnit you fina hear my pain!

It's like someone was tearing out holes in me to form some underground cavern or something. Shit is NOT PROPER at all. Sitting up is the only thing that feels a slight bit better but I'm so sleepy.. I have no more pain killers and when I need a bitchass to be around there are none to be found to get my drugs.

This is some bullshit God.

Like really.... ok we made adam eat the apple. I FUCKING GET IT!

WHY THE FUCK WE GOTTA PAY FOR TAT BITCH EVIL WAYS!

I mean like... this shit right here... not even called for.. nigga I can't even type correct without thinking: My ovaries are currently being annihilated by some invisible super ninjas hacking away at their existence.

Ughs.

I will attempt to crawl to the store when it opens and get my drugs.

That is all.

Stubborn C

2008-07-22T02:09:00.000-07:00

I am a product of my mother and father.
I am stubborn.

Nigga I know. Don't tell me as if I dunno. Shit I know I am and its a good thing sometimes though..bad one in many cases.
Eh... you be the judge and then shut ya fucking yap because I'm sure there are some things about you that just do and the fuck up.

When I feel strong about something I go full blast because it's what I feel.
Not saying that in some cases I'm not wrong.. but shit most times I'm right about shit anyways.

But there are some cases where I'm dead wrong and when I am wrong.. i show it in many ways to make sure that people know I was wrong and willing to fix it because why the fuck would i leave something lingering around when a sorry is all I would have to say to fix it.

Sorry.

I've said this shit like a million times but for some reason i don't think you get it son.

I said sorry.

But somehow it's being ignored.

Well it's here and when you wanna hear it.. it's here.

Now i look like a punk bitch...
nah not even...
I'm showing I still have a heart and that I'm not as cold heated as the world THINK.

I'm mumbling though because if anyone know me like yall know me.. I hate showing I have a heart publicly....its bothers the grumpy balance of my life. I would rather look like that angry fat girl up the block no one talks to than to be that fat girl up the block everyone loves.

Because having a heart in this world... gets you fucked up in the game kid.
So you gotta keep it three stacks and fall back with all the care bear shit.

Ughs I wish I would just erase this...

but i won't...

*mumbles under breath*

Another thing: Cecil say something smart about this shit fuckboy and I'm going tunnel style on that ass.

The Side Effects. [Happiness Continued]

2008-07-22T01:31:00.000-07:00

Would you buy bottled happiness?
The answer is yes to many who are unaware that they are buying it in the first place.

Let me get deeper into the rabbit hold than I did previous post.

* If you are reading this but haven't read the last Happiness post... start there because this will make sense... but then won't.*

In despair we purchase happiness in a bottle at the cost of our hearts.
See.. when you down and out... you have no form of happiness and no will to generate it naturally. Therefore happiness seems impossible to grasp.

Until....

Someone walks up to you with hope held in their hands asking you to grab onto it.
Having hope leads to happiness and happiness leads to love.

This is actually where you just purchased your happiness in a bottle and took massive sips. It taste good. trust me it does... has a nice cool refreshing feel and now.. you are ready to take on the world...

but don't forget to drink a bottle every morning now.

Get it?

You were given something when you felt you had nothing.. now this has became a routine. Drink some... take on the world. Fall on ya face.. go running to the source.. drink more.... bounce back and you ready again.
Now its a cycle that you can't escape.. until you get it through ya head.. you are responsible for your own happiness and NO ONE ELSE WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY UNLESS YOU ARE HAPPY WITH SELF FROM JUMP.
These words are even making me notice how foolish I have been in the past waiting for happiness in a bottle.

Now... you keep paying with ya heart.. and ya soul.. thinking you owe this merchant something every time. Why? Well who else was there for you when you were down and out? Who else was there for you when you couldn't see a brighter day?

To be real there are some who sell happiness in a bottle free of charge.
They come rare though but they do it for free and never expect nothing back.

I know of one..
she's a sweet voiced lady whos always telling my I'm too cute to cry.
And never has expected a thing back from anyone she reached her hand to.
Never reminded people what she did for them to make them happy.
And one who does this because of love.....

But isn't it wild how those who claimed to be there for you
always on some next shit like
I WAS THERE WHEN NO ONE ELSE WAS THERE!
i CAME TO YOU WHEN YOU WERE IN PAIN AND I HELPED YOU!!!

Twisted right?

Beware of those who come to you when you are on your last leg...

I call these false merchants...

Opportunist.

Lurking in shadows waiting to befriend the weak at heart and mind so they can build onto it. It's rather sad.. but someone hollow would only do that shit.

Do you know of someone like that?
Are they handing you happiness in a bottle?
Are you still taking sips?

Think about it...

and then spit it back out.

You are on step closer to having your own happiness.

In The Pursuit Of Happiness

2008-07-21T00:17:00.001-07:00

Ok so about a good week and change ago...
I started down this path toward internal happiness.

My reason behind this: I was surrounded by people who cared about me... but was still very much.. .unhappy.

How can you be unhappy in a room full of love though?

Well to even know what love is... you must first begin with happiness.

From before I was fine alone.
I was doing actually a hell of alot better than I am now.

so now I'm rebuilding.

Ask yourself:
When was the last time you went on a public outing in a very public and active setting by yourself and had a great time?

Me: Like beginning of July I went to the museum and had a good time.

I did something that I should have noticed and worked on ever since then.

For the first time in a while I was out by myself alone.. enjoying time with myself. Not thinking of... "O I wish someone was with me" but thinking "I gotta do this more often"

And it's raising a question:

How much time do we actually take to entertain self before we get bored and want company? why do we really need company or would need company if we were truly happy with self?

Don't get me wrong it's cool to be with good company... but why is is a need?

I forgot how it felt to entertain myself... by myself.
Thats going to be something that I fix by the end of this summer. It's not going to take much to do it.. seeing as how I used to do it much... but I feel out of the flow of really going to be... alone... in a setting.. public.. and just enjoying the moment.

Question: If happiness came in a bottle.... would you buy it?

Most people answers are yes without them even thinking about it.
Let me explain....
see... happiness come in two forms.... its given by someone or something.... or generated naturally.. something like a chemical.....
Most of us look to things and/or people to give us happiness

Why can't we just generate it from ourselves...
Not fake happiness either.. I'm talking about just.. that I wake up today.. not knowing what will come but I'm still happy to wake another day.. type happiness.

We tend to purchase happiness already but normally at the cost of our own identity.
What ever makes us happy.. becomes us.

Now I mean its not a bad thing because lilies make me happy.. therefore I'm a lily loving freak... its apart of me...therefore at the cost of those flowers making me happy...I will be known as or identified as a lily loving person.

But what if what makes you happy.. really doesn't add any value to you?
Then what.. do you still purchase this form of happiness at the cost of being identified with it...or do you shun it away and find an alternative.

People right now... pick between the two .. never really knowing which path is better.. and sometimes taking the wrong path will indeed cause you to lose that very same happiness you were trying to grasp.

Think about it.. if you were half happy when you started out... then acquired this sudden happiness that made you complete... what happens when you lose it /if you lose it?

You go right back to halved existence.

Am I making sense now?

No?

Ok...
If something makes you happy and you take it away from someone... wasn't that momentary happiness? Like you had it... loved it... and it faded away....doesn't that mean it was never TRUE happiness to start with? There would be no reason for a real smile on your face to fade if you were really happy and pleased with life in the first place... you could function well after that factor was removed and carry on as if nothing happened.

You had most of everything before you found that other part so why worry....

Hmmmm....
This will indeed have a part 2 because I'm now very much in love with exploring this thought deeper and deeper as I'm on this quest to find out what inside me makes me happy and how to tap into that.

I will admit.. I'm not fully happy and haven't been in some months.... but that was only because I allowed myself... my identity to pay the price for it kinda knowing it wasn't right for me to do it.

And for that I'm sorry to self.

I'm going a different route this time.

I Had A Moment.[She Hurt Me.]

2008-07-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

Normally I'm never really emotional about shit.

Outwardly that is because I feel that displays of emotion about anyone and anything then to leave you in the dark looking stupid with tears on your cheeks.

Or at least thats what I've been taught.

There are certain things that trigger emotional reactions from me in its purest form. Certain songs ... normally speaking on a past love that you never admitted to (because I'm known notoriously for not showing love) they get to me.

I miss her.

She was my best friend
mother/sister/everything and I didn't need to look up to anyone else. But... she left me. She told me she would be back. Told me she wasn't going no where... and there I was fighting for her life in the middle of the street atop of my lungs fighting with my father who wanted to give up.... and she..within hours after I had changed everyones mind about her.... she gave up on me.

She died.

I never could quite understand it.
Like. You told me you wouldn't leave me. You were and still was the ONLY woman I fully trusted on this earth... and you lied to me. You died while I was fighting for you to live. And you never said goodbye to me. I didn't hear your last words because maybe when you were whispering them into the air I was a cab ride away telling your son that you will make it.

There cycle with females in my life tend to be the same.
They cool... they go through some shit...I'm there for them... Something happens... and right will I'm fighting for them.. angry.. pissed... telling nigga the opposite of what they may beleive of that chick.. because I beleive in them.....
the ookie doke gets pulled and I'm left with the womp womp face.

I think after a while.. you just get sick of it.

Maybe this scared me for life and will be a crutch I will have to deal with. But history

But... Mary's song... always makes me think about you. I hate myself for even like getting emotional about that shit. But why the fuck should I even care if I do... I never had my real final goodbye with you... and never will. I never got the chance to tell you that I loved you.

I know dead people can't read but its better to have said it and have records of it...
if anything should happen

but in this case I'm too late.
Maybe next time though.

I LOVE YOU - Mary J. Blige

These Fucking Disrespectful Ass Bugs!

2008-07-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

*Picture on side explains my mood right now...fucking blood suckers.*

Ok I'm sure some have heard this rant but I REALLY need to make this shit CLEAR.
Last time I lived in ENY was like almost 10 years ago.. and I swear... the fucking mosquitoes have gotten so fucking DISRESPECTFUL! I mean who the fuck thinks to bite you on the fot... on ya face.. man nigga done got muh boobs b. real fucking talk. Its like... DISRESPECTFUL! Flatbush bugs don't do that like that yo... I mean you get bit.. but in the places I'm currently wishing to scratch without people looking at me like I'm dirty.. man... ughs... these little fuckers aint good for shit.
but then again.. its the lords day...
so shit should make no sense and be reckless on this day. Like always.

actually..

this has been the first Sunday in a long time were I actually chilled out ith no drama nor wild talks at all. Felt kinda good to be honest... maybe because I was passed the fuck out in the bed sleeping. I should have told Father I would see him later this week.

I might be going to that John Legend and Estelle concert at the park. I would need sleep tonight so I'm going to do that soon. Shit my hair look a fucking wreck right about now... but its clean hair doe... fuck ya thoughts!

David Fucking Banner.

2008-07-20T06:16:00.000-07:00

Ok...I've had something for this wild man since he was bigger and more crazy acting.
He has slowly turned into a gentleman.... and a fucking freak!
I mean ... maybe I like wild guys a bit much?
he was cute from jump and someone I would have fucked.. but like yo... now... nigga been looking so right... good lawds...
ok.. so he has a new song.. and I'm not in love with it... album coming out soon!

I'm getting that asap
If this just a sample.. nigga really expanding all over

*shakes rump and thinks about the song Play and then...takes a shower or something*

wait this post not done....
you i'm all for not sounding like a ho an shit.. .and I know.. song is like.. raunchy...
BUT O MY MOTHERFUCKING GREAT LORD...NIGGA SAID HANDS ON NECK PULLING HAIR AND SLAPPING...
OK... I'M DONE.. .SO FUCKING DONE!

Hold up... ok so the song where he say that is called A Girl

but wait... nigga got a song called BAN
son... listen to it on immem
shit it funny...

The Antics Of Candice And X

2008-07-20T04:55:00.000-07:00

I missed her much.
But this bitch not al there like me people..
Don't get it twisted!

crystal

well anyway...

icanonlybecandice

yo

crystal

make my profile kewllllllll

icanonlybecandice

my koolaid

crystal

lmao

koolaidddddd

icanonlybecandice

TASTE AWESOME

crystal

i wansome

icanonlybecandice

NOPES

nigga tell me what yo u want me to do to it

gimmie info and it will be set up

crystale

i want u to make it kewllllllllll

like kewlllllllllllll people shitttttttttt

like kewwwwwwwwwwwl

icanonlybecandice

loser

crystal

awesomeeeeeeeeee

icanonlybecandice

monkey

crystal

ass clown

i wanna have the links like u got on urs

like u can click and go to gs myspace ur page

allat

i want music

icanonlybecandice

nigga

crystal

and pictures

and midgets dancing

icanonlybecandice

GIMMIE THE LOGIN INFO

SO I CAN DO THIS NOW

HOOKER SLUT

crystal

dick flipper

icanonlybecandice

WTF?

crystal

u can get me the midgets dancing?

across the screen

lmao

icanonlybecandice

NIGGA WTF IS WITH YOU AND MIDGETS

crystal

with shitty boots on

icanonlybecandice

yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ima post this in the blog

crystal

I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE MIDGETS

icanonlybecandice

son

crystal

wat

icanonlybecandice

wtf?

crystal

lmao

huh

I finally have proof!

AND NO CECIL DONT EVEN SAY SHE LIKE MIDGETS LIKE MY ASS ILL KILL YOU!
Even though Lil Wayne midget dance is cute...

A Convo With K.

2008-07-20T04:03:00.000-07:00

I was told to post this.....
I guess this nigga gotta have a say in it all too.
Somehow he thinks this will..hlp me se clearer"
Personaly I think the nigga still sleep
Just sleep talking.

Half sleep... with the look of what the fuck on his face
With tears in my eyes and just drained from trying to prove myself yet again to another person on this earth that I care.. but can't fake the funk like they want me to...

He said words to me that made the most sense.

K said: You were most happy when she was around....her decision is her decision
but if she knew anything about you....she would have known you wouldn't take this
laying down. Everything you feel is right.. along with everyone else feelings.. no one is wrong and thats the madness about this. However...Candice you don't take alot of shit from many... and a cold heart will do that. Warm up and think it.

Warm up?
Seems like everyone I tend to trust.. somehow...
let's me down.This is like....a cycle... I think someone is this way.. expect this and that from them.. and WHAM! Road block.... never to recover fast.
Took 3 years for me and Reese to talk about shit.
I have zero tolerance. I know I'm wrong for it. Dead wrong about it too.
I hurt niggas I love after they laugh or make me out to be the fucking dummy/asshole.
Yeah I do that...
but when I beleive something....
with all my heart K...
You should know by now...I can't bend easy....its a trait given from my grandmother.
A good and bad one.
See I see things for what they are and can be.... not for what I wanna see it as.
If it's black and white.. why the fuck would I attempt to point out colors?!?

Sometimes i give to much of me

K: Sometimes you don't give enough

But when I give it my all and find it back in my face then what?

K: Well then you either leave or.. stay..... ya choice.

But what happens when people don't wanna let you be with that. They way YOU can handle it?

K: Just like they made a decision... they will have to accept yours in the long run.

And if they don't?

K: Then I guess they are just as wrong as you then and need to think again about that before coming to you in hopes to change ya mind. People are cretures of habits and if they are used to certain things then other things taht make sense to tohers really wouldn't to them. Just like you hate cinnamon flavored anything... I love that shit you hate it.. you accept that I like it and taht you hate it...vice versa.. thats how most issues in life must be resolved.. its not just a one way thing.. it must be both ways or nothing will settle on solid ground

Nigga...

K:Nah don't nigga me... just real talk. Now who read this blog?

The main suspects.

K: is that X link?

Yes

K: X you remember me? If not... I'll slap you sideways with a troll and then throw pickle juice on ya nipple while leaving you butt naked in the forest.
And if you didn't know who I was then.. you should know now :)

X....
I'm sorry he told me to make sure I leave that part there.
:(

I Still Feel The Same

2008-07-20T03:26:00.000-07:00

I moved the blog. Off this shit.
Still feel every way I said.. but on some real.
If what I say is some delusional wild crazy shit...why care?
Go be happy because thats something... I was fighting for.
have a nice life.

This goes for you and the wife.
Real talk.

Your Relationship Issues (Solved In A Blog)

2008-07-18T06:24:00.000-07:00

Yeah I'm speaking on relationships. So if this sound like yours... it most likey [yes I say likey not likely] is about YOUR relationship and how I think you should go about this.
No I'm not telling you to do this. But if this can give you a form of insight.. and save what you have... save a love many quest for. then listen up please.

Couple 1:

I'll start with
You....
See after every ounce of love that has been shown.. for some reason you can't see that she loves you dearly. The extremes that she has went to to prove you are that nigga to her.. are far more than any woman on earth that I have ever seen. Ok granted she looking a little suspect right now and things may seem wild in the hood right about now...but can you really blame her. How much time have you really spent with her? She has to cuddle a pillow and whisper to its feathers as if it was you. Think about it... I mean after all this time...with the little time spent.. you really think she don't get lonely. At all?!? I mean shit she looking more and more like a fool with every passing day waiting for Prince Charming to come along and ave her day.A pretty face not finna be all a chick can dream about.Yeah I know you taking a lost too.. people think you crazy but they wouldn't if you made that effort. The outcome will be like another relationship I'm writing about in this very same blog. And yeah Miss.. you looking suspect right now but I get it... things happen... but if you really doing ya dirt.. tell him please. and if not .. he should love you enough to believe you. In this case the only thing that will fix this relationship will be: Putting in the actually time. Distance is killing you two slowly.
And thats my take on that relationship.
Thank me later.

Couple 2:

Ok now you...
YEAH YOU!
Look.. she loves you. Even after everything.. she loves you.. even after every dog, ho and everything else called by you and her to you... she loves you. Do you love her? Or think it just sounds right to be in love with her after all this time put in? You do love her.... well then you know what need to be done.. its exactly what you told me would fix everything. The time is now.. not later.. because prolong this shit.. and you will lose her all together. Do you want a relationship... or just a safety net? Do you really wanna do this or its just good to have the attention? lease.. I'm begging you to do this... make that woman smile. Trust.. she will be more than willing to make you smile when you have done so.And lady look you just gotta chill sometimes. I get you.. don't think I don't but sometimes silence is golden and the more quiet you get the more shit he will open his mouth about. And the only reason why "little things" keep getting picked at.... is because yall avoid the bigger things and all that is going to happen is that its going to build... and then randomly crumble. And NO it will not all be ONE persons fault ... it will be both parties this time. The way to fix this relationship: Do that damn thing already man... you don't have shit else to do.. damn nigga! distance is killing you two slowly..but along with pride and extra bullshit.

And thats that on yall asses.

Couple 3:

Next!

Ok son... you.. man you... are just.. man...
Look.. she was playing you this whole time. Like dead ass....no respect at all. And guess what thats what happens when you are so focused into loving someone. I know love of your life apple of your eye and truth be told everything was fine... until.. he CAME along and fucked shit up. Yeah.. FUCKED shit up. You need to just let it go all together and dip. You are a better man than that and I know it all too fucking well. She.. well she just need to admit that she got tired of clutching pillows every night alone. Be real and let you know that waiting for you didn't work and attention was needed beyond the strength of love. The flesh gets weak and I mean I understand I cheat my ass off when I feel the need to also. But hell i mean.. she just need to let you be because you are more than wiling to share your life with her.. and she tripping because she know she wrong as shit. let her be wrong and alone ... or... well.. not alone but you get my take on this shit. Fixing this one.. well if she really want love and happiness she would tell you what the deal is and let you choose for yourself what you wanna do.. I don't see a happy ending though. Distance KILLED yall and someone head got gassed suddenly about looks and now thing they too hot for nigga these days.

Couple 4:

And you...well you..
You just don't get that fact that she needs more than a man who's always bitching about something. Every damn day.. bitching about something. How can she even find a man in you when you acting like a fucking bitch. What happens when she has a bad day.? Who can she run to? There is a reason why she don't tel you much anymore how can she even think you can handle a damn thing when you ALWAYS BITCHING BOUT SOMETHING. Damn we all go through alot of shit in life.. but I mean if it ain't one thing.. its another and its all because you my dear.. are a push over. Not a man.. a push over. Soft Charmin... [I mean this with the most respect].There is something that she has to tell you though and I'm sure when you hear it. you not finna like it one bit. I guess throwing the other nigga she left really got to her over time. I guess the bullshit she kept telling you to quit.. didn't stop fast enough. And chick.. yeah you a fucked up chick.. but hey.. wasn't you always from the get go? You were wrong for let in that man sit around and love you o so much and not return that love fully.. knowing.. deep down.. the unresolved issue.. was that other cat from way back that you recently can't seem to not think of. Yeah.. mentally cheating as I call it. How to fix this: Chick you need to figure out what the fuck you want and who you want because shit... and the end of the day.. at the rate you going you finna have no one.. and he.. well he need to grow a backbone and be the man he once was. Distance is not a factor.. a confused heart is.

And i think thats all that relationships I have an opinion on... now... .I know.. many of yall finna be mad.. but I never said ya name nor do others know who I was talking about. so be the fuck easy in my box and comments with stuff or else you will give yourself away to others.

thanks :)

I....Admit.

2008-07-17T22:42:00.000-07:00

This is a confession. I'm not sure if you are going to see this but I have to admit something to you. something I really should have said to you the last time we were face to face but... well.. my pride meant more than my happiness and someone else was in the picture.. and there are alot of things I know I have to explain. But ....

I need you.

Really like there have been many days without thoughts of you and many days filled with thoughts.. I have many issues unresolved and part of my issues are with you.

I need you.

Like I need you on nights where its a nice breeze and the sky sits still in darkness.
I need you to smile at me and just talk... well I talk and you listen then help me come to conclusion. I need you to hug me tight and say everything will work it's self out. You said I always get myself into wild things... taht I admit today before everyone.. and I'm tired.

Yeah I'm tired...

Sick of dealing with half assed emotions... one day I'm in love the next I'm not.. the next I don't need love .. the next I seek it... I'm tired of it all...and I give the fuck up already..

I need you to come get me...

Like right now and just end this all...
End it all now...

But you probably won't even see this nor even know if I'm talking about you.

I could only hope by some stroke of luck you will read this...

One day soon....

And maybe then it won't be too late...

Love[Too Much]

2008-07-15T23:00:00.000-07:00

=======================

My love cups runneth over
over indulging within Him
He loves me aplenty
a plenty too much-- much too
many mornings more than I
...
Me never loving equally
inadequately receiving good graces of He
He graces stages set on broken hearts
Hearts still being broken patch worked to still tick
never was officially fixed by temporary bliss
bliss within his kiss-- endless amounts expelled
soul compelled to tell tales like I Love You's
pacifying reciprocal hungers
...
but all along
...
a long road to my recovery had to be
traveled alone to rediscover me
&
His love
was just
too much...

What About The Way You Love Me.

2008-07-15T22:48:00.000-07:00

I miss you. Something wild.
My lips could never utter such a thing due to pride and such but this is whats best for us. This time... I wanna make sure I'm going into something with my heart and my mind and not just wanting to be happy. I wanna be happy and become happier... and slowly I'm thinking about things and way to make myself happy. This process is a long one but I think I'll make it.. if you are even wiling to sit by and wait.

The fear though... that another may roll up on me outta the clear blue sky does scare me a bit. What if doing this will enable another to get close to me? But why would I want another close to me seeing as how every other dude failed? why grant someone the chance at... nothing? I'm not planning on it but hey... shit tend to always happen wild when it's me for some reason.

Damn.. this is just a bit much a confession though.. I'm looking like a punk ass right about now.. Not liking that one bit there buddy.

I was thinking about my past relationships today...
and what were some of the things that made me unhappy. What I came to was this common flaw in the men that I choose: honesty.
Like i know that I could be honesty with them but not fully honest just as much as they are not honest with me. I love when a man can say "Hey baby this is m and who I am but you gonna still love me for it" I love when a man can speak on his own flaws...because I tend to do that same without a care.

Maybe I'm looking for my match and never found it... wait.. I did.... but I blew it anyways.. so search again I will another day.

But still.. and the end of the day I actually miss you.
And thats all I have to say right about now.

Edit: and I don't like that I've actually written some pretty poetry these past days and you ignore them. it bothers me because you know I speak better on paper!
Fucktard.

Allow Me To Speak On It.

2008-07-14T16:57:00.000-07:00

Being in this weird limbo for the past 2 months allowed me to think about alot of things... and also hear alot of things. These are my views on certain isues:

Long distance relationships will NEVER work if forced.
You can dream and wish but it just won't make no sense to you at the end of the day when you are unsatisfied.

Alway take a second look at whatever is in front of you. It may not seem to be the greatest thing in the world but shit at the end of the day... you can rely on its appearance to never change unlike others (apply this to many aspects in life)

Women are twisted creatures of some nasty ass habits. For every "I wish a bitch would" we commit an act of "Girl you wouldn't believe". Backwards in nature.. we are indeed.

Cheating seems to have a whole new meaning these days. I think cheating is defined when a bond that has been mended by a physical, mental and spiritual connection... vibing with another along those very same lines would be.... cheating. You do that math on that one.

Yet again I will say this...
you really don't matter to anyone if you don't matter to self first. You have to matter to self and be of great importance to self for you to even be a blip on the radar for anyone else. Being matter to someone else before being matter to self still leaves your self worth at 0 when that person leaves you high and dry. Why allow another to set your life value? Prove to self that you are indeed worthy of great and beautiful things and the rest will follow.

Yo lemonade in the summer time is like sex. Werd fucking life.

Having meaningless sex is just that in its own.. meaningless sex.

Raising a child today is one of the hardest things to do correctly with the negative influences of mass media targeting youth. I really been thinking... maybe i shouldn't have kids. If my little girl wake up on day and tell me she wanna be like SuperHead... I'll have to be put under the jail.

Why do people always think fat people are ashamed of who they are? Like really? O aside from the asshole who cry about being fat I've been a big girl all my life! I'm very much in love with cookies but I hate twinkes (cream filling taste nasty)and guess what? Thats ok with me! There are plenty of men who love my roundness (trust when I mean I know a few) --*knows Cat is laughing while reading this*-- but for some reason people think that every fat chick is insecure about that shit.. .its wild to me. Why when someone can't find a think else wrong with me.. they wanna talk about my weight? Like i just woke up not knowing I was fat or something? I dunno can someone answer that one for me please :)

I have other things to think and type about but these are my main concerns to voice.

Comments are always welcomed.

Charity: Water.

2008-07-08T13:17:00.000-07:00

At the top... my intro says I will confess a small amount of things that are right.
Well these are one of those moments where you get to knwo of the good heart that I can actually have.
================
================
================
I remember when Jay went to Africa and did the water for life thing.
I thought about that recently and was like...
When I get the time to do something about that... I will..
so I signed up for this site where for every hit that you get you gain a point and the points add up to gain more money towards the cause that you choose.
There was a charity there called Charity:water.
This man who's name is Scott Harrison travels to places where clean drinking water is scarce and has raised money to build pumps so they can have clean filtered drinking water. How he suddenly started all this.. well his story can be found here
http://www.charitywater.org/about/scotts_story.htm
Go read it its really inspirational.

Now to many this might not be a big thing or a cause they would have picked but these are the main reasons why:

Clean water is important.
Why?

Well for one.. you could actually live many more days without food than clean drinkable water being that your body is made up of i think 60 percent of water. These kids wash in parasitic waters and normally get infected by water borne diseases we would NEVER come across due to the fact that we wouldn't have to walk about 5 miles to a watering hole where animals even drink from.

Yeah it just got real for you huh?

Like dead ass think about waking up and having to walk miles just to get water to take a bath.... oh and the catch... your body is only able to carry a gallon at a time due to th fact that you are already dehydrated.
Imagine how may trips you would have to make just to wash properly.

And thats only for you...
think about the fact that you have about 4 children that need the very same amount of water you walked for....

crazy huh?

Yeah when i think about it its really wild.
So with that said I will purchase a 20 dollar bottle of REGULAR water from charity:water in hopes that all my money goes to building a pump somewhere in a foreign land and feel a little better knowing a family will be able to cook,bathe, and drink.... clean water...
because in the end.. they deserve much better.

Wanna help with the cause?
Join... pick the charity:water cause and get the referring!
Or choose something that you will feel passionate about and help out.

Here goes the link.
http://www.socialvibe.com/?r=162859

The direct link to the actual charity that I'm helping online.
Is this link.
http://www.charitywater.org/

Either way...
thank you for taking the time to read this...
now back to my wild antics :)

The One. Part 4

2008-07-02T01:02:00.000-07:00

Before that many eyes of my peers, friends and family... I will admit this one thing I never told a soul...

He was the one.

I'm not just talking about he was another nigga that I was all giddy for.
No. There is a great difference between this guy and many others and will be forever...
he held my soul in the palm of his hands and I was afraid...
I saw that forever that I cast away long ago in his eyes...
I found heaven within his smiles and dimpled cheeks
His skin was soft and always smelled good
And his kiss would melt away any pain I held

And I was fucking scared....

We met randomly to..
I was in yet again another "in the mean time" relationship and didn't break up with the other guy too fast... because i wanted to make sure if I'm giving something up... it better be worth it...

our first date...

drinks at one bar that was closing for the night...
so we got in a cab and went to this nice small place
(even though only 19 they still let a chick in that bitch!)

but anyways...
we sat down on this comfy couch and laughed...

music played reggae tunes that all could love and the Jah Cure sung that song.. that damn song.. we dance slow and close and were looking like something straight outta a movie... you know.. the whole slow momo dance looking in the eyes.. interlocking fingers kissing on the dance floor and the sexual and spiritual energy swirling around us... man...we were connecting on a level I never felt or haven't felt since my first true love and in that moment I knew it

This nigga is the one...

Candice.
RUN.

Not run into his arms but run away because lord knows i was still unsure aboiut me being worthy of such a man to be around me...

bossy...direct... caring...loving... he was human...
but he was damn there God in my eyes....

Ever kissed someone on the lips and shed a tear at the same time just because your soul moaned his name softly and your heart swelled to the size of a basketball and the joy felt from within was going to bust and the only way you could get an ounce of this uncontrollable feeling was to shed one single tear...

I've been there... in his arms... having my soul dug out and replaced with erected injections to only murmur those three words first only knowing him so far as 2 months

I love you.

To only have the act of love put on pause...
and a reply that will haunt me forever....

I love you too,

(People I know I'm foul because I still didn't cut other dude off but after that.. you know what it is and what was done)

We spent nights together waking to sunrises sitting side by side on the roof smiling. We had convos until FOREVER... and we treated each other with respect...

(he was yet again.. an older dude)

*sigh*

I walked beside a king feeling like a queen

and we
were
happy...

that magic word...
happy

no fuck happy I was in fucking heaven until I allowed myself to think this was nothing but a dream and that should float my ass back down to reality because shit
this nigga couldn't possibly wanna be with me... what was my value to him?

sometimes it would be hard to fucking breathe if I didn't get to hear his voice for the night.. .shit I was totally and completely in love with The One...

to be in his arms was to die and be reborn again every night
to exist i that space between before and after
to really live within the moment

until...

I ran...

fear took over thinking I'm too young to get married and have kids and this not going to work and omg.. he not serious.. but yet he is....but then again why me...

I ran and played my fucking self lovely.. hurting him

to then look him in the eyes the last time we made love.. and die inside...
and then die all over again when this nigga said he was getting married to a chick that looked like me...
A BITCH THAT LOOKED LIKE ME!!!!!!!!

*sigh*

I cried for nights...hating myself...

hating that no only did I disrupt my internal happiness.. but fucked up everything around me.

I let go of any form of happiness
in the second that my foolish ass started acting out and fucking with other dudes thinking..

he doing it too...

not knowing....

the reply I love was NOT just a reply.. but him really loving me and wanting me to be that girl with the rock and the kids to hold down the fort...
to think I would be a married woman prob working on my second child right now within those warm arms..

I know that never gain will we be but there went soul mate number one

and it was my fault
this time
I abandoned everything that was right just to be trapped in a life where everything looks so wrong.

there were and are others after him....
but would there have been if I was not so hasty to throw in the towel....

if only I knew what I knew today...

he was the one that I was letting slip away...

HE. Part 3

2008-07-02T00:24:00.000-07:00

He came to me RANDOM AS FUCK!
I was with another in a failing relationship and said... fuck it!
He was something wild... sex.drugs.money.power.
Highschool chicks love some thugs...
but he was not a thug... he was a man after cash to support his little girl when biz got slow moving REAL bricks.. so why not just move other types of bricks and stay in the biz of construction...

Well... he was something new. I would be on a train or in a cab or in his truck going to a night out on the town.. laughing joking.. loving life.. and it was then I noticed...

I was happy again....

Happy?
Me?

With this wild child?
WTF!
lol.

Yeah with HE I was happy.... and his little girl was cute too....

Movies. Dinner. Good sex.
And even though he didn't write poetry.. he would listen to every poem I wrote till we both fell asleep on the phone...or until I fell asleep in his arms...

but....
biz started picking up and runs were made...
calls became few due to his line of work...
leaving me with money in my hand.. and a head full of worries that I may never see him again...

3 months go by...
winter pass...
spring bringing me blooms and I still wonder where in the FUCK did he go and why have he not really been around? what did I do? Why?

and when I gave up all hope....

a familiar hello and come down stairs met my eardrums causing me to drop everything I was doing and run for my life into that arms of a man I've been mising for so long....

comfort...

then rage because he had left me...

(see yet again.. the abandonment thing pops up)

we kiss we make up and I wake up to his smiles...

happy again...

Baby.. I'm gone for month
Ok
Hey baby I'll be gone for 2 weeks
Ok
I'll be gone..

was all I would hear
and I was young.. lots of lust and never really though about that fact that this was a GROWN MAN and grown man that took interest in me but had a major flaw...

he loved the game more than he loved me because he loved the money and the smile he could put on his baby girl face.

Being a chick who can't settle for less
(since less was never given from start)
The next time he took a trip down south...
I made sure I was nowhere o be found again...
leaving those happy moments in the past.. to be unhappy for another 2 years...

until..
well
I met
The One.

HIM. Part 2

2008-07-02T00:05:00.000-07:00

He was...he was everything & anything I ever thought a man could be.
I was in love. Head over heels I couldn't stop thinking about him every thing I wrote was about him. I couldn't even hum a tune without it being some silly cute love song and I was ....

happy....

Didn't care about shit else because it was me and my baby against the world and if you didn't give a shit about us.. well.. we couldn't care less.We were like bread and butter... right & left shoes... shit nobody could tell us NOTHING. Envious stares would be the norm for us and we... well we laughed because we were just that fucking ill.... and I loved him...gave him everything about me willingly and he returned the same respects...

we were happy...

no arguments just chilling letting life take us for the ride hand in hand just not giving a fuck about the world...

we had each other...

forever ...

(this is where my trust in the word forever came to a crashing halt)

he was taken away from me...
fast...

and never to return to me...
hell if I saw him today I probably wouldn't even know its him...
maybe...
but its crazy how he told me...

"one day you are going to tell your kids about me dear... but I'm hoping while you telling them... they are our kids and I'm in the next room sleeping or... watching porn"

now I tell that story to a blog with a heavy heart
years later.. still in pain...
crazy...

that nigga right there was that nigga... the ultimate dude...

and when he had to leave me due to family issues...

I became unhappy....

now.. since then there has only been 2 other men to come CLOSE to that guy...
to even reach that status in my eyes that they are indeed one of the one's for me

(I believe there are about 7 soul mates per person on earth in a life time)

but could it be because I'm still holding onto that memory that I'm unhappy?

Comparing them to him is UNFAIR. ... yet I still do it...
I can't help to.. he was just that nigga that dude that.. man...

everything....

I write poetry today BECAUSE of that nigga...

*sigh*

he set that bar so high...

and still no one could knock it on down.....

but HE came close....

(to be continued)

If Only It Were That Easy.... (The Begining Of A Breakdown)

2008-07-01T15:02:00.000-07:00

Hey yall :)

Now I know that there are many who are wondering where in the FUCK did I go but I had reasons to not be around.. damn...chill out.

Ok so I moved to ENY and now living in a area that blows ass cheeks..
I think I'll be moving yet again.
Eh.

Bday was filled with wild antics. overall it was....
AWESOME! ( new catch phrase for some time)

Ok now the heavy thoughts shall come:

When unhappy with life/w a partner what does one do?
Yeah breakup right? or
Tell them you need a break
I mean there are many ways to deal with your unhappiness temporarily but what happens when it carries over for years? Into new relationships.. just to suck them dry and leave another hurt soul behind in the pursuit of your OWN happiness never understanding you should have been happy alone before you even got with the next person anyways.

(Being selfish and wanting what you want can also count as a downfall)

I mean I know that I don't need a man to make me happy but for some reason I am unhappy and its getting worst everyday. My quest for happiness never had a chance in hell due to slick talk light walking niggas that have came.saw.and either got left or left me behind....

Happiness... something I don't normally get a chance to enjoy. I have a great deal of bad luck so a good day is just another break in the storm cloud that looms over my head daily... but still somehow I can be this bubbly vessel of light for others...

I wonder why...

I wonder why I can unlock everyone else's mind and allow them to find their way through fogs yet...

can never seem to get out the lost world I live in myself...

within my own mind...

sometimes I think my lack of emotions have caused me to just give up all hope on happiness ....

but yet I still long for it...

I wanna be able to wake up without a care and a smile knowing everything will be alright.. .even if i died that very same day and YOU can't give me that nor anyone else on this earth... I have to provide that feeling for self. Maybe you can help along the way.. but if I don't believe it... then it will never matter nor amount to anything... no matter HOW HARD YOU TRY.

And thats just the tip of the iceberg

This month I'm really baring my soul.. openly.

So get the tissues box and hold ya heart buddy...

I have many sins to confess...

All starting with HIM......

Boooooooooooooo!

2008-06-05T05:33:00.000-07:00

I found a gray kitty...
and then lost her :(
she belongs to the other floor.. that sucks ass cheeks!
ughs in a box.
I want a kitty!
My bday coming.. .who finna buy it for me?!?
im dead ass yo.. who finna buy me a smoke gray kitten..
female.. so i can play with her :(
pouts!

It Is What It Is

2008-06-02T23:05:00.000-07:00

Bring Me Down (Feat. Brandy) - Kanye West

I was
I am
more than just another face in the crowd.
I'm something and everything you wouldn't want me to be and can't really believe that I am. I'm also anything that those who I love would want me to be to a certain degree until I'm too fucking hot to even cool myself down and I boil over with emotions and claims to hate everything that you have tried to make me to be.

Understand...
since birth odds have been against me...
Granny said fight back and drop kick the shit outta luck because pride and the will to fight is th only way you are going to make it in this lifetime. And well shit I've been trying hard to run about NY an get mine and make moves to be better and become everything she said I would be but how the fuck can I be me with pole who claim they care and love me for me yet can't understand half the shit I do?

This means you too (for my loved ones who reading)

Shit I've been Candice before any of you
And shall be Candice after an not a motherfucker on earth will change that about ME.
But sometimes I get tired of the constant struggle and just need a soul who can really understand me...

understand me..like...this is who she is and will be forever and all I can do is love her... all of her.. not just parts...

But my wishes seems to go ignored as I continue to allow those who love me the most hurt me in many ways at different times damaging whatever god I hold in my heart

and for some reason
they are always trying to bring me down....

Bacon Bitches!

2008-06-01T22:36:00.000-07:00

So today I ordered a pizza. A large two topping bacon and pepperoni pie for the homies and shit...thinking well this is going to taste awesome and not cost much.
Would you believe this shit cost 20 bucks.. for one fucking 10 sliced pizza.
In Brooklyn....
Get this. just to add bacon to a pepperoni pie. cost 8 bucks
WHAT THE FUCK?
Man I swore to God that bacon better had made a bitch nutt three times to be that expensive as a topping to add bacon a fucking pizza.
Motherfucking bacon son?
bacon?

Man... and that shit was good but I be damned they catch me with that shit again.
fucking bullshit...

Which led to a thought that was discussed amongst the fam:
It's a sin to be a woman and not know how to cook bacon...
and if you don't know how to cook bacon..
you will indeed..
lose your man.

And this was agreed upon by about 4 dudes while us chicks are looking at these fool like wtf?

Is bacon that important to men?

Answer: YEAH!

Dude: Yo you burn some bacon in the presence of a man and watch tears fail down cheeks. It's fucking blasphemy man!

Dude 2: Yo.. man a bitch cook some good bacon with some eggs and toast in the morning.. she finna be wifey... lord knows the way to a man heart is through the swine cooked mighty fine.

Motherfucking bacon ladies and gents.
Bacon...
makes the world go round.

Empty Promises

2008-06-01T13:19:00.000-07:00

Something I could never really handle.
People promising this and talking it all up...
making things seems better than what they are.
Telling you what they think you wanna hear.. even though all you wanna hear is the truth. Why do people find it so hard to tell me whats really going on?
Promises.. being empty but so full of bullshit.
I think that its worst when that person is still somewhat around me.. and making those same promises to others is what gets me even more.
Sometimes I wonder what about me make people wanna lie to me.
Is it that I tend to wanna think most things are ok?
Is it something to do with the high levels of stress I already deal with?
Maybe its because if they lie and I don't pick up on it... my walls are down... allowing that person to come and go as they please.
Sometimes I wanna shoot the person who even gave the thought of a promise in the first place.. but then again I would have to take that up with God.

Try this:
Tell the truth.
Although you my never wanna hurt anyones feelings... they could never expect more from you if you are real with them. let them know what you feel and keep it moving. Playing freeze tag with someones emotions.. just not cool. If they can't respect you for telling them the truth and nothing but it... then I guess they really can't fuck wit ha real people and would rather deal with the fake.
Thats a sad thing to say about some of these folks but it is what it is at the end of the day.

Remembering An Emo Life

2008-05-31T18:48:00.001-07:00

I used to be...

Days were spent held up in my room with lights low and curtains holding away any form of sunshine.
I never thought the sun could shine in my direction. Feeling like everyone hated me and I was worth nothing. screaming my lungs out and turning up the music just so no one could hear my tears.
I ...well I even cut myself a couple of times in places where others couldn't and wouldn't see.
I remember drinking heavily and smoking weed till my lungs collapsed. Skipping school because.. well. what the fuck did I really think I had to life for? My family... well lets just say everyone was looking out for self.. and sometimes forgetting I was still a child.
I was still a child....
Lost.. anti-social without a real meaning. Not understanding what was really wrong with me. Hating so much and loving so little. Yet somehow able to function beyond those 4 walls as if everything was ok....
Until I snapped one day and well.. lets just say I'm glad to still be here.
Remember...
People struggle to stay alive...
Some people would trade their souls to walk another day on this Earth.
Live everyday as if you were living you last.
Even when shit gets tough...as long as you are breathing.. you've won half the battle.

Body Crumbles - Dry Cell

Moving.

2008-05-31T13:11:00.000-07:00

So I'm moving.
Where?
Nah I'll leave blank an only tell those who matter much.
But yeah I'm moving..been a long time coming though.
I'm waiting on my new stuff to come in .
I need to set up my internet though so if you don't see me around thats whats going on. :(
Meanwhile...
I went out last night and had a blast and ate till my gut damn there collapsed
just because I wanted to be greedy. I wish I had pics but someone has those (rants at Reggie)!

Now.. thoughts that are on my mind for today are:
You never really matter until you make yourself matter.
Not a quote found but a thought I had.
Think about it. You will never really matter to others and yourself unless you ma yourself matter.
Not just making yourself important to others.. but actually making your mark showing evidence that someone (you) really did exist here on Earth.
Physical evidence... or ....becoming matter.
I wanna matter...matter fact I always wanna matter... but how can I...
Even do that when things about myself don't even matter to me....
Lord here I go rambling again before eyes.. eh... I guess.

Reggie.Reggie.Mo.Reggie.

2008-05-28T16:17:00.000-07:00

==================================================================

So.. HA! Nigga you just got GOT SON SON!
Lol.
But um....I'll openly say this to you in front everyone watching and LURKING and shit... you been a saint to me ever since I fist laid eyes on that ugly little face and kicked you in the shin... You have been one of the greatest and sweetest things in my life (even after I pulled disappearing acts and you beat me up for having you worried) you have been just that nigga
that I know no matter how crazy shit can get on this earth..
I can look at your blank ass face and hear you tell such an emotionless yet super hilarious joke and have my insides cramping with joy.

Since highschool we have had ups and well I really don't remember us ever being down (see you are that fucking dope son!)You've been that friend that I could always bare my ugly little soul to and never really get judged. You know it's been a long road for me and somehow you've been walking right along with me. Eh people are going to read this and.. well you know...blah fuck em... aren't we used to the hate by now? But seriously...even though I may get my head chopped off for saying this I love you silly!
Now... let's pretend to make babies!(It's a joke)

Flag On Field.

2008-05-28T02:54:00.000-07:00

Take a walk with me if you will.

You are talking to a dude who seems to have every reason in the world
to think and feel so insecure about you and him..
even though you tend to reinforce
that you are into him and care deeply about him.
You tend to try to understand what goes on in his head and even changed a couple of things in your life to accommodate his views just to ease his worries... and still.. this dude....wanna throw a fit.

Bitch about some frivolous shit.

Nah how about...
Anytime you talk to another dude (who's nothing more than a friend or has been reduced to a friend) You are crucified for having an adult convo or something along the lines.. yet this nigga answers the phone (while you on the other line) for bitches crying about how much they like him and wish they could be in his life as a girlfriend?

It seems like I can't have a life of my ow and still exist with him.
I guess we gotta become one and I should allow myself to lose who I am as a person.
It's the things a "real" girlfriend would do.

Nah lemme really go in son.

How about this nigga.. will mentally associate you with every other past bitch he ever fucked with and always bitching about the shit he go through on a daily basis making you feel like you are never around to really be that chick there for a nigga when he down even though you have actually lost sleep and all talking to this nigga and spending ya time on this nigga while trying to not be worried where the fuck ya own buck coming from and how you finna spend it?

I guess me not expressing how much I wanna boo him up makes it seem like I don't give a fuck.
Even though my keeping a low profile was and is the best way for me to even develop a god ad study base relationship with him before flaunting him to the world.. just to fall flat like every other relationship.

I mean. hell... it gets to the point where me walking outside seems to have become a hazard suddenly. As soon as I walk out the door he is worried about my well being and would really .. truly and honestly like to know my every move but too scared to ask because he know I will scream till my lungs collapse about how I am indeed a grown ass woman and have been taking care of myself before him and will after him. Then continue onward to express my hatred to his possessive ways.

Man..

Lemme tell you...
I think there is a great sense of bitchassness in my life.
I just don't know what to do with it though.

Sorry I gotta tell you in a blog homie...
But you my dear
You are one selfish, possessive son of a bitch
And quite frankly .... I'm growing tired of it already.

Another Sin Behind My Grin

2008-05-28T01:43:00.000-07:00

I touched it.
No let me say that again...I fucked it once upon a blue moon and it was something I couldn't erase from these memory banks even if I flooded my mind worst that Hurricane Katrina did to N.O.
It's just that wild...and boggles my mind that I cannot forget such a thing.
Even after all that has went down...the time apart...all that.. I still can't forget it.
Maybe it's just me tripping yet again due to the sudden distance that has been wedged between me and my current object of affection but what in God's name will he think when he reads about my mental lusting for a past relation?
Yes I know I'm dead fucking wrong
but I guess this is the kinda fucked up shit about me that I warn the masses about.
I lust.
And its a damn sin that for some reason I cannot help but to give into its calling because thats just the silly, stupid, immature shit that I tend to resort to.
Being 22 and not fully having the ability to openly date much would do that to bitch.
I've been in long term relationships back to back and most of the time... always in a way I have been slightly forced to fall in love because that someone is oh so willing to sacrifice themselves just to gain an ounce of my love.. never really understanding the kind of pressure thats placed on me.
And then when I think I get a dude that will be on some..
I'm cool...you cool... we smash and we chill out..
take shit slow steady and see if us is what we want....
they can't fucking handle that and become faker than a 3 dollar bill.
I know the question in mind is: Candice, who are you lusting for?

Answer: Actually.. its really not even who I'm lusting for but what I'm lusting for.

Maybe those easy laid back days where everything is everything and life is just nothing but a walk in the park. Maybe that place where even though shit all around you seems so fucked up but in this moment... this very moment with that other person....we are in complete and utter bliss living a life where minor shit don't matter therefore big things never get a chance to even build.
Maybe the comfort that I know no matter what the fuck I do... I'm not judged for anything that I do nor restricted to act any ole way.

But then again...
a life like that seems to be nothing more than a dream.

Or is it?

Under The Tree

2008-05-28T01:08:00.001-07:00

under the tree, originally uploaded by candicerawks.

Well it's been a long time since I've actually blogged and alot has changed. But if you wanted to know what I was up to. This is where I can be found. Under a tree.. with a cam...and living life. Things haven't been going well alot of up and downs.. and even some crash landing but all in all I think like always I'll come out of it with chin up and no words spoken till years later. Maybe I'm just.. I dunno.. weird like that. Meanwhile there wil be more to post about later on and pictures to go with my thoughts. Catch yall on the flip side.

Forward To Loving (No More Lusting)

2007-11-23T07:09:00.000-08:00

I got my mojo back. :)

Lights are off and the mood set
Jill faintly playing in the background
Our favorite tunes
The moment has finally arrived for you and I to
Enjoy each others intimate company for the first time
So I undress
S
L
O
W
L
Y
While you watch the candlelight glow
Off my skin
Yes dear I'm ready to
Become an us
Beyond the lust
Be your lady
No one else standing here but me and you
So tell me what would you like for me to do

The aroma from your skin casting a spell
On my heart for I'm at your every beckon call
So do as you please with my body laid before you yearning
Just for your touch
Your eyes sliding down my curvy silhouette
Ignites me more to please you

You place a single finger over my lips
As love flushed over my soul
Instructing me to relax
For pleasing me
Will please you more than anything on Earth

And like a real lover you choose to take the time
Examine
And inhale my physical features before
You ravish my love down under like a beast on a feast
My eyes are dreamy like as you proceed over me
Leaning in closer
The sweet feel of your breath has been felt for the first time

As I lay back and close my eyes
Ready to fall into this world with you
My lips part by eager fingers
And the first kiss has been made
I
E
X
H
A
L
E

Because you have taken my breath away for the first time
And I know
It will not be the last

...

Within My Deepest Thoughts

2007-11-23T07:08:00.000-08:00

Not a poem but a thought I wanted to share.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
We stand up for what we believe in
Yet like toy soldiers we get
Hurt
Burned
Left on this battle field of love to just drag our slumped bodies
Across to a safe spot to gain a second of thought
Before being attacked again by
Feeling, emotions, drama, haters
Man we surely go through it all as women
Stand here on the front lines like always
I'm fighting... but sometimes I wonder
What the fuck for?
If I'm not fighting for myself then why for another in the heat of the night
Tears and pain felt for too many nights
Too many problems randomly popping up
And I have no way to control them
Looked around many bodies are littered across the vast field of doom
With labels of how they fell to their demise
Love , lust,depression
You name it and a woman has died for it
And like the Queens we are
We stand next to our Kings tall
Head strong because without us there will be no them
But what happens when he disappears in the middle of the quest for happiness
We are then forced to:
Struggle with children created by abandoned sperm donors
Forced to act out of our character and do things God never intended us to do
Work two jobs and balance a check book
Play Mother and Father and support ourselves emotionally
Just to survive alone in this world
And I cannot wake another day with this heavy hearted bullshit
I wanna rise
Rise above all the bullshit and drama that we face everyday
Ladies I'm feeling like Mary right now
Just broken again and wounded
But yet even in my darkest hour I wanna rise
Even in my slow demise I want you to rise with me
So let's walk together and then maybe
For a change
We can overcome the war.

Laters.

Madness Roundabout Smiley

2007-11-12T02:13:00.001-08:00

Madness.
This weekend I learned more about some people than I thought I ever would.

You ever stop talking to someone like...ina friendly flirty.." this could be something" type way and feel like you breaking up with someone? I mean my gosh...I felt like that. It's was like weird. But I think everything is fine now...I guess the shock of me pulling away so fast is what got him. He will be a okay.....I hope and pray. I still got love for him doe. Suddenly around the time I'm pulling away from someone guess who pops up and just steals me to the side. Yups...him. lol. I mean.....after all this time he is like all about me. WTF? lol. This shit wasn't planned but homie thought I was pulling away for the next cat. it was more like I was pulling away because I'm not sure what to think of him. I had a funny feeling he was trying to hard to just please me. Like force me to think everything is on the up and up. Well why would you have to if everything is? Why force something that should already be natural? Every heard of being to perfect? Seems too good to be true? Yeah I now know what people mean by that. It's not like i didn't like him as a person I did alot...but its all to fast for me..slow down...stop pushing...man alot of yall know how I am. I told him and gave him clues but....he dun wan hear it...thinking I'm being icey and ish. I'm left to wonder why men are after me and what are they after. Well...I think that for all except one.

He just...wanted a friend you know...he just got through a hard relationship and was a poet. So me and X both knew him from when he joined. That was like 8 months ago. Now 8 months later something...is brewing between us. I'm not sure what it is but it's cool because no walls are up.
See I found out something about me....if I think it's game...walls jump up high. But if a man come at me with no agenda...walls stay down. Me and him never thought about each other like this and now suddenly its like....o wowzers. He called me these cute lil pet names today and i damn there fell out my chair hit the floor and died. Who would have seen this wild shit? I'm finding out so much more about him it's crazy. I guess slow and steady wins the race. He didn't come at me with the omg you so pretty ma why you single...he just came to me broken and his words just had me like damn..this dude is in some pain. Friend for like a min...even through his whole battle with his..."chick". I was hurt cuz I didn't know till he told me but as a friend I'm like well shit that don't change shit. I guess I must have made the right move because months later they parted ways and now he's checking for me and I'm checking for him. Gosh. What the fuck is going on? Am I feeling someone? Could this be after months of staying to myself that someone...indeed snuck the fuck in without me looking and got me in a big ole hug? I'm not sure what to say guys...I think I have a crush.
*blankface* man this is just wild for me.

I Woke Up Today And Thought About....

2007-11-05T14:18:00.000-08:00

I woke up today...just to notice..you were no longer there.
Damn.
I mean to just know that you are no where around anymore kinda got me in a slump. Kinda like...messed up and shit. I mean remember the days we would wake up with each other and toss a pillow or two. Blah. Let me stop thinking about you.

So on the the next person to think about. Why did we drift apart YET AGAIN? lol. It's as if we have a 4 months life span. We talk we giggle we get back to where we were last time...and then...we you go handle your life biz and I'm left behind to just wonder yet again....why? It's one of the great wonders in my life. You know I'm talking about ya ass too shawty.

Then he...came to mind..him.
The one who took my heart and shattered it to bits.
Son of a fucking bitch I fucking hate you so much ...so why do I want you near?
I mean I've NEVER had it that bad. Like I hate this dude...I really do...but I fucking love him so much I just want him to hold me and drift of to sleep in his arms. But he can't do that.
Why? Well lets just say another bitch is there in that spot I want. Nawl let me not talk about this anymore.

Then you came to mind and I was lost as to why? Nigga I dunno you like that. I wondered why would all of the past words be so hard to say to you. Why was ALL OF THAT needed? hmmmm.. I dunno how o call this one so i'll just sit back and chill on that note.
And after these thoughts escaped my head.....
I went to go brush my teeth.

Censor Me Not

2007-11-05T01:21:00.001-08:00

You see.....I have this..way about me.
I'm a lil rude at times...well more than normal.
I tend to not give a fuck for all the right reasons.
But its seems as if when people do hear what I have to say.....
ATTACK!
It's like people hang onto my every word...well every others...and never see the whole point to something I said.
But when I get defensive and make a good point and counter attack the attacks on my views....
It becomes a general discussion.
GET THE MOTHERFUCKING GUNS ON THAT SON!
Like..people...(and this goes out to everyone that has read this and got mad and all this other ish with me not just on person cause lord knows you are not the only one who came at me like that) get a grip.
Please I mean damn if I struck a personally nerve say so.
Just tell me you didn't like it and I will attempt to make sure you understand...I mean no harm.
I'm just speaking my mind and hell if the beef isn't with me.
Don't bring it my way.
K?
Thanks boo.

If Only You Would Take A Second

2007-11-05T00:09:00.000-08:00

Well I see you have made it here. Grand of you to join my thoughts.
Well let me get on with the show.
So my current views on myself have changed a bit since I was in high school.
I always thought of myself as some weird lost child with a fucked soul.
I now think..I'm a weird lost woman with a fucked soul but a good outlook on life.
See...me I'm a complex. And yes EVERYONE SAYS THAT SHIT ABOUT THEMSELVES ONLINE TO LOOK COOL AND SHIT....
but.....
I mean I'm the type of girl who would one day be head over heels in love with you and next...well you are lucky to get a hello out of me. I'm off and on like a light switch. I don't love my mother...I think she was only good for one thing in life and thats having me. My father...well as of late he hasn't proved a thing to me other than he looks out for self and "always" knows best for self.
I really can't blame them for their actions anymore due to the fact that the are cut from the same cloth. I guess I'm just that fucked child that got to caught in the middle.
Then there is my sis.
I love her but she doesn't know that. We fuss, we fight and go months without talking. Reason..we are kinda the same person...just she's more cold than me. She's determined to not let the actions of our parents fuck her over like me. I'm just glad that I was there to block some of the blows to her young mind. Sorry I wasn't there for all though. I know it hurt her but shit look at her now. In school far away and gaining a life for herself. In about 5 years she will have it all.

What about me?
Blah. I don't even know whats to come for me. I can only take it a day at a time.
My life is just...crazy.
No one knows anything because I don't like to talk about it. I've wrapped myself in myself so much I don't talk until I'm about to break down yet again.
And this time I don't have weed to turn to. Haunted by my past so much that at might I stay awake and read online articles.
Enough of this chit chatter.
It's depressing.

You Are Beautiful (So Beautiful)

2007-11-04T16:55:00.000-08:00

Written to uplift any man with a broken heart.

A write for him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Beautiful
Damn have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror
Notice that the man that stands in it is something to behold
Something like fine wine getting better and better with time
Physically and mentally growing into something beyond normal comprehension
Dear has anyone ever told you that you were beautiful?

I'm mean I know I'm just another lady that has came your way
Seems like the conversations has me on another level thought swimming
Moments like this Hallmark don't even have a card for
Trying to tell you that you are worth more than the softest gold piece
My diamond in the rough
But the hurt in your heart shows across that lovely face
And I just want you to know that no matter you may think
You are indeed
Beautiful

See the stride of your walk is simply amazing
Gracing me with your presence and the scent of your skin causes me to just
Inhale your royal features because my dear you are a King in these eyes
And that's the best way I can describe your chocolate skin tone
And perfect smiles that flash across the most lovely set of lips I've ever seen
Baby...my dear...do you know that you are beautiful?

Not only body but in mind the vast knowledge you have obtained
Set me on fire, schooling me everyday
Giving me thoughts to hold until the next time we converse
Stimulating me the way that no other could
In my dreams you creep and you voice help me dream
Of a day when you will share your royal land with me
Because my dear next to you I feel like a peasant
Not worthy to even look into your eyes
You are just that beautiful to me

And no matter how much I write and try to show you
How much you would mean to me if given just a chance
The words of a million men and woman couldn't even express
The way that you just simply move me my Ebony king
And down and out you are now but please fear nothing for now on
Because you are beautiful to me
You are beautiful to me.

I Want A Hood Nigga

2007-11-04T16:46:00.000-08:00

Nice guys. They are nice.
And they are moody also....a lil soft for my taste. I need an edge.
Why?
Think about it...I'm that chick that will walk behind a bitch and say she got a fat ass.
Same chick that will grab her pussy and say suck me dick.
What a nice dude doing with a chick like me? Can't handle me being soft and shit.
I'm not asking for no Ike Turner ass nigga. I'm asking for a nigga that can look good in some Timbs and a white tee...then can look good in a suit.
DAMN!
Tat's on his body, swagger in his step, a brain filled with correct info and a plan ( a working and good plan).
Yeah smoke a blunt every now and then....good dick to go along with it.
I'm going back to my hood niggas. lol.
I had about 2 so I guess I should hurry up and find him huh?
Yeah...a hood nigga.
Like I wanna walk up the block and bitches hate cuz my nigga so gully and I'm riding that dick.
I don't need some fine ass thug...just a nigga with that edge I drool over.
Nice guys step aside.

Hold up. After a convo let me make this clear.
I'm not asking for a thug. A thug is a mush brained asshole who don't know they ass from they elbow.
Nit what I'm looking for.
Just a man with a good edge tahts good in bed.
Outro.

Updates.

2007-11-04T16:21:00.000-08:00

So me and he that was a we....
Done.
Feel out of touch and things changed.
I mean right now I'm at a time and point in life where I don't care anymore. Like I couldn't see myself getting all goo goo eyed over a dude because its not something that I want. There are people that are trying to get to know me. Trying to figure me out. Damn I'm so used to being alone that I just tend to wanna be alone. I want love. I want all the good things that it could bring..but why should I waste time with it? It's just not worth it in the end.

Meanwhile i have dumped myself into a sea of my own words. It's pretty cool how much i'm learning about myself through my own writes. Pushing limits and trying to really get better as a poet. Life...is still life for me people.

The Candice Rulebook.

2007-09-21T23:33:00.000-07:00

This bitch.
I'm like
"Ayo son...what should I write about tonight?"
"How I date nice and successful guys"
"Bitch...them niggas end up bitches or some lame with money...talk no action"
"Atleast they have money. You date broke people"
"Leo not broke doe"
"99 pecent were broke"
"Atleast they had character"

Now...how are we best buds?
Crazy how I think of a man's personality before anything else.
Crazy how in many cases I've been the one to walk away thought.
is there every a day where I'm the one being walked out on.
The answer is yes.
The key to Candice isn't a hard one.
But it seems many fail.
1...be real to me and I will be real to you
2 talk to me about anything
3 your humor is what got me .....keep it
4 becoming a new person will make me walk away
5 never....ever...stand down on something you should stand up for
6 do not play dumb when you KNOW what it is

these are the basic things I need from a man.
Why can't you men get it right?

I Fucking Hate You

2007-09-21T23:23:00.000-07:00

Now.
To really be blunt.
I fucking hate your guts right about now.
Al I did was show you attention...and tried to be there for you.
I know I'm not an easy woman.....but the shit you did was foul and we all know that.
But after it...you acted as if it was nothing to you.
Not a fight outta you...nothing.
I gave hope into something that was never to even be thought of...and had it handed back into my face.
You fucking stupid cunt.
I pray you erase my number and any other memory of me...because I really hope those bitches you wanna tell the same story to...will get lost into it and fall on they as.
You were right...you could never be happy.
Why?
Because you don't know how to keep a good thing until it's gone.
Maybe if I was someone else .....I would have recieved text...email...phone calls and all....but I guess I'm not her huh?
Fuck you and die.
I really would like you to finally succeed at taking your own life this time.
Now....you fucked up.

The Downfall Of My Addiction

2007-09-21T23:22:00.000-07:00

I've been using this drug for months
And now no effect
No change
No happiness
No joy
Just empty thoughts and harsh reality
Something isn't right.....
Now thinking that it was a faze I upped the dosage
Took mass amounts with one swallow
I was brave
Yet not a single ounce of escape for me
Dear lord what the hell have I done
I look in the mirror and can't tell who it is
Cleaned the mirror and still can barely find myself
Bags under my eyes
Hair is unmade
And my only thought is for another hit
Just a touch off that good ish
That overseas right to my door hit a chick in the head and see stars type ish
I begin to tear through the house
Looking for something to give in exchange for you
Old photos of us smiling
Teddy bears you won for me
A movie stub from the first date
The blood soaked t-shit from when you struck me down
The condom you used on that girl last night
I forgive you baby
where the hell will I find another supplier?
When will I feel once again?
Just give me a damn hit
Please
Just another hit

Confession Of A Cheating Husband ( Night 2)

2007-09-21T23:20:00.000-07:00

Her soft hands engulfed into mine
Naked laying face to face
Touching her body as if it was (HERS)
Na this is isn't (HER) body
And thats the reason why I'm treating this one so nice
A movie playing in the distance but we are not watching it
We are about to star in our on script
My lips toured all over her breast
Her hands grabbing my erection
I forgot how she does that
Damn
Come back to earth and handle her
Legs spread
Her moans growing louder
My named called
As hips were gripped
Ass was slapped
She begged for me
More.
Back was scratched
Evidence was left
Who cares.
She rode the waves of her desire
And I sat back and enjoyed the ride
Pre cum made
And kitten was still at it
Phone call missed.
Now the finale
Clit danced against my lips
Insert it because I'm about to blow
Operation complete
Pussy dismantled because she has that all familiar grin
Her hair tossed around
Phone call missed again.
And her eyes then seen it again
The promise made before God.
Damn.

Confession Of A Cheating Husband ( Night 1)

2007-09-21T23:19:00.000-07:00

Her bright eyes invaded my dreams again
Once again awaking in my own sweat
Her giggles echoed through my chest
And my heart held onto the last kiss we shared
Never can I forget this dark beauty

No woman after will take control of this King
And turn him into the putty she can with one flick of her tongue
The flesh upon her frame is sweeter than the finest honey
For this woman was more than just another girl

How could I once again turn my back to her
And not let my hands slide down to embrace the small of her back
As I enter her from behind my kitten will purr for me yet again
And one commandment will be broken

Nervous
For she was the sun in my sky
The clouds would part like Moses did the sea
And just like he did she walked right into my life
Yet again
Those round hips and soft lips called me
This young beauty was more than full grown
She was the WIFE
The wife that was not ready

Enough about that past because before my eyes
Lay my young beauty , the future holds a certain place for her
I shall lay my body upon her and we will make love over and over
Her round ass in the air and my mouth searching for her pleasure zone
Take me all dear like the stallion you were built after
I expect nothing less than an all star performance from such a star that has keep me tossing and turning all these long nights
And when the sun rise and the rays touch down on this carpet floor
It will reveal that my marriage no long consist of a we
It will become me, her and you
My true love

Confession Of A Young Mistress ( Night 3)

2007-09-21T23:18:00.001-07:00

Sitting on my terrace gazing towards the sun filled skies
The breeze begins to play a game with many stands of my hair
Today was a good day
I walk back inside my apartment
Surrounded by your gifts
Flowers, candies and much more
My late night adventures with you have turned out to be more of a fairy tale
5 star restaurants
Expensive evening gowns
To you money spent on such a hard working woman like me is nothing
So I ask my dear
Why the fuck you with her?
That ring
Good god I see it again
As if it fucking mocks me grinning in the light
The band turns colors depending on what angle its in
The color green reflects on my face
Funny .....because I'm envious of it
That ring symbolizes everything that I hate about you
Every inch of hurt and pain forgotten
I await for it to fall off so that you and me can once again be fully together
Our souls have been reunited and now our heart are growing fonder by the second
If we do not make a choice now this will all end in one way
Me wanting to kill the bitch
I look at you from across the table
More handsome and spectacular than before
We touch hands and I fall deep into your eyes
Until my finger graze over it
That motherfucking ring.

Confession Of A Young Mistress ( Night 2)

2007-09-21T23:17:00.000-07:00

His fingers ran across my spine
In the nude we laid face to face
Caressing and holding each other like newly weds
Funny.....because he was one...
We looking in each others eyes and smiled
As the glare from the TV was the only light in the room reflecting off our bodies
His lips grazed my warm flesh slowly
My body slowly turning into putty
A hand slid down to meet his manhood and began to stroke
A soft groan and a smile came across his face
Lips met and tongues clashed
Fingers were inserted
Hips wiggled and grind
Positions were then switched and the real show began
Breast jumped and things shook
Love slaps could be heard beyond the door
Sheets were ruffled and covers thrown to the floor
Backs arched and eyes roll
Dirty talk was heard and enjoyed
Over and over we enjoyed this hotel suite
The finale ended with peaks hit at the same time
Heart rates slowed down
Sweat began to settle
And that wedding ring was still on.
Fuck.

"Confession Of A Young Mistress ( Night 1)"

2007-09-21T23:13:00.000-07:00

The sweet taste of your lips invade my idle thoughts
Stroking them with flashes , memories of past encounters
involving my flesh and your's romancing each other equally
Never can I forget what we were.....

No encounter after will wash away the sins thats me and you will create and perform
Over and over, continuously intaking more of each other's lust
Warping this lust into beautiful portraits
Our choice of paint shall consist of emotions, desires and a touch of deceit

How could we not indulge into each others souls?
Taking just a mere nibble would only cause more hunger
And I my dear, will refuse to grab a snickers and wait while my hunger for your body festers inside me

Give it to me

A single command will activate my body
Without a care the clothes will yet again shed for you
As if we never missed a beat in out up tempo love track
The hook may have faded but the bassline continued to bump
carrying on this song even through your wedding day
Unknowingly we had more vocals to add to the track
There were many more O's and Ah's, grunts and groans
The beat from this head board will echo through these walls
And the act of adultery will be committed
We will watch as the morning sun rise and peeks through these curtains
Shining on your weeding ring that was cast to the carpet floor
In the form of our clothes bedside in a heap
And the title of a mistress I gained.
Till next time my love.

The Married Dude

2007-09-21T22:59:00.000-07:00

Why....why do you haunt me?
Your lips and touch fucking glide through my head.
Stimulating my mind and drip off of my thoughts.
You...you fucking annoy me with your request to be a good girl.
How can I be? How can I lay with you and not touch you...not kiss you..not...man...just not.
It's as if you wanna just see how far I would go in the moment....turn my back against God.
Throw away my beliefs?
For you I think I would.
The love that we had is still stained on my heart and even thought my mind is fighting...this time.
This one time..
my heart is putting up a fight not even God can come between.
A love like this should never exist. and it won't
For as long as you have a ring on ya finger....I will never put myself close to you.
Never.

5 Year Plan

2007-09-21T22:29:00.002-07:00

Being at the age I am now I think about a lot of things.
Life....having kids...making sure that when all the money go away I have someone to come home to.
My fear: That by the time this dream should become a reality I will have no one there for me.
Funny thing...Leo talked about this with me tonight.
He spoke of this same fear and why he was busting his ass now to get things in order.
I just wonder.....why is he one of the rare males who think like this?
I know about a good 40 males in total who are of the ages 21-30 and most of them can't figure out what they are going to do in 5 years.
A 5 year plan. I think any Black man who would want to make it would have to have a 5 year plan.
Sadly....how many men do you know with a plan at all.
I say 1.

His Suga Mama.

2007-09-21T22:29:00.001-07:00

So just a hint as to why me and him is a WE.

Just read it.

Candice: Leo you are such a fucking potty mouth son.
Leo: How am I a potty mouth..just saying
Candice: lmbao....nawl I mean...
Candice: its funny how you can be so blunt with me and not worry as to what I would think...other niggas wouldn't even say half the ish you say...they to punk ass to do it
Leo: Lol mayne that's why every nucca is not leo...I like to be free..so ..they only reason I might not tell u what I want is if I feel that u can't handle it....or aint on da level wit u.....but u know aint no punk over here
Candice: shit I'm happy about that.
Candice: and I hope i'm on a level with you where youthink I can handle mostly anything coming from you.
Leo: I might have to train for da mami
Candice: well i'm willing to learn if you are ready to teach...I wonder why it took so long for you to be ready to teach though...or was I still levels behind?
Leo: Don't know can't dwell on da past..everything happen fo a reason
Candice: and with that said you gave me a very good answer
Candice: thankyou Leo
Candice: i'll give you something really good for that.
Candice:
Leo: What else can u gimme that I can't get outta of u..ur mouth..da tight 8months clog waitin to be unclog pussy...and luv..what else u got that I can't already get shawtie lol
Candice: some good food a back rub....hell a parade in some panties and a bra.
Candice: shit I would make up something to give you
Leo: Really damn damn damn..u trying to make a nucca hijack plane now lol
Candice:
Leo: U got my bail money
Candice: I'll be ya suga mama.
Candice: as long as you supply the suga
Leo: Lol what kind of suga we talkin about
Candice: take off them clothes and find out
Leo: Hmmmmmm takin notes
Candice: dont take notes....take off the clothes Leo. I'm waiting for my suga!
Leo: Well cum get it
Candice: I'm off at 6 on Sat a bus to CT take 2 hours and 10 dollar address please
Candice: cuz i dont think I'm waiting until you comeback to NY next week

That's what it is.
Hold that son.

Run Fat Bitch Run

2007-09-21T22:24:00.000-07:00

So...I'm walking up towards Flatbush Ave...trying to get a dollar van to go Downtown and this all familiar car speeds right in front of me and damn there knocks me over. Now many of the same cars are owned by Black men so I didn't think to look at first....until...
Hold up is that?
My bestfriends ex....and as I cross the street he watches me close.
Next thing I know it he makes a u turn to my side of the street glares toward me and drive a bit up. Stops and then looks at me in the rear view.
I mean I'm over here about to get killed cuz of my best buds ole emotional ass.
I tell this bitch th story and she laughs.
The fuck?!?
Now my fat ass gotta be running away from deranged stalker ass niggas she got.
Man i be motherfucking damned this shit happens again.
I hate this bitch.